Still Learning

While everyone else was getting ready for church or work yesterday I slept until noon and woke to an empty house. I felt relieved but also kind of alone. I just can’t wait for the days where I wake up with my boyfriend next to me.

I made some tea and tried to focus on learning Scrivener again but the tutorial in the program wasn’t working out for me. I had to look online for some video tutorials. I found a couple that I really like on Skillshare.

I then tried to focus on actually building my poetry book in Scrivener. I kept jumping around from different elements that go into an ebook and ended up over whelmed again.

So now I’m going to stop; Make a list of elements that go into a published book, do those elements one by one until it’s complete. Once my manuscript is completed all I have to work on is marketing. I have a mini panic attack just thinking of all the people I have to talk to in this phase.

I often find myself wondering why I started writing in the first place. I use to say that I write because I have a story to tell. But now I say that I write to be understood. But I don’t write just for me or just about me. I’m writing for everyone else that feels misunderstood, those who feel lonely but are not alone, and those who are suffering in silence. I’m writing for all of us who are depressed but don’t know how to put it in words or explain to our friends and family.

That’s the only thing that keeps me writing. The only thing that keeps me learning how to self-publish.

But hey, I survived.

I have been around my family for three whole days. I finally some alone time so I can write.

My mom told me Friday night that we were going to Virginia in the morning to help my grandmother and my two aunts to pack up and move to their new apartment. I was reluctant at first to go but I thought the exercise and free food would do me some justice. I did not, however, foresee that the fog would hit me so hard even after all that moving around and eating I’ve been doing. It probably hit so hard because I didn’t get the right amount of sleep. I should be doing yoga because my body feels so tense since I’m sleeping on the couch.

The only alone time I got what when I went to the bathroom. So I just had to suck it up and keep pretending. I definitely didn’t want to tell them about my depression because they’ll just shove bible quotes down my throat and I didn’t feel like hearing that. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell them. I hope I find the courage to do so before I publish a book about what I’m going through.

I kind of got mad at my boyfriend because the one time I tell him I really need him asap he doesn’t text back until five hours later because he’s hanging out with a friend. I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared of being alone. I’ve never had them so intense before so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell him about the thoughts though. I just told him I was ready to “give up on life.”

But now I’m confused. Am I asking too much from him? Am I being too needy? Am I being selfish? I don’t know but he apologized like a thousand times and promised to be there for me more. But I still don’t know if I should just try to manage without him because I know its unrealistic to expect him to be there 24/7. But he wants to try. So I’ll let him try. Maybe he should come to therapy with me next time so he can learn how to help me manage.

My mom suggested that she and dad come to one of my therapy sessions. While I do think it a good idea the very thought of being interrogated by them in such a small room terrifies me. I don’t know if I can handle it yet. But I know its important that I try talking to them so they can understand how I feel.

The past few days have been so stressful. But at least I’m still alive. Since I survived this I can get through another few days of family gatherings.

I’m Still Trying

I was in a really bad place for the past few days. So bad that I started thinking about suicide. I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I finally feel something other than empty and hopeless. I feel more optimistic than before but I still feel like I won’t be able to do all the things I need to manage my depression.

Eat healthier, get at least 8 hours of sleep, and exercise.

The only thing I’m really worried about is eating healthier. I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. I have a mini panic attack when I even think about going to an interview. So I’m trying to learn how to self-publish. The more I learn the more I realize I have to talk to people. In person. Face to face. That scares me too. I know I can ask my friends for money so I can get food but I feel like I already ask them for too much. And I don’t want to burden my parents anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I can try to change my sleeping habits. I usually put on a documentary and watch that until I fall asleep. It helps sometimes but other times I’m actually interested in the documentary and I want to keep watching. That’s what I get for being so inquisitive.

We also talked about triggers of depression, then the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical symptoms of depression. The Cycle of Depression. For me, my main trigger is my financial stress. Which stems from being unemployed with student loan debts. My next trigger is family stress. Like when my parents keep pushing me to do things when I can’t do basic things like eating right or cleaning up after myself. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because they think they know the answer but they don’t and I don’t know how to tell them they’re wrong without offending them.

Those are the two main triggers I have. The one that affects me almost daily is the financial stress. Because I want to do some much but I can’t because I don’t have any money. And I don’t want to keep asking. Especially when I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay people back. My friends keep telling me I can ask for whatever I need but I still feel like I’m taking advantage of them.

Then I start looking for a job and when I read the requirements I lose hope. Because all the jobs I apply for are looking for “outgoing” “people orientated” applicants and that’s just not me. I could lie but then I would have to pretend and that’s too much work. I’m already pretending almost every day to be more put together than I really am. I can’t possibly pretend to be the “perfect employee.”

There are ways I can earn money online as a creative individual though. Thanks to modern technology. I just have to learn how to use it. And I’m doing that thanks to Skillshare. And YouTube. And Google. I just have to take 30 minutes every single day and learn. Then take another hour or two to apply what I learned.

When I write it down it sounds so easy but I know I’ll struggle to apply myself. I should start with my CBT assignments before I work on my writing projects.

Baby Steps.

I’m Trying

I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.

But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.

I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.

I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.

Writing a Gothic Fantasy

I have been thinking long and hard about the first novel I want to write. And I have come to the conclusion that I should write the first story I dreamed about In high school and publish it first. I’m still going to write the poetry collection and I’m halfway done with that. I’ve learned that the best thing a writer should do is write as many books as possible when first starting out. Thankfully for me, I have a lot of story ideas. Five to be exact. And I’m sure I will have more to come.

I was originally going to write and publish a time travel novel but a gothic fantasy seems more fun to write. There doesn’t seem to be any diversity in the gothic novel scene at least from what I’ve read in the past. I want to change that. I want to have my main character be an African American gothic lolita who’s in a one-sided “love triangle” between another African American goth girl and a goth guy. I don’t know what ethnicity I want to make the guy but he’s definitely not going to be white. Hell, he might not even be cis.

I already know who my main character is. Her name is Ivy Song. She’s an introverted bookworm who loves to collect relics and is ambitious when pursuing her career and academic goals. She reads poetry, mysteries and fantasy novels first thing in the morning and right before bed. Due to her studies to become an Apothecary she has a huge garden filled with herbs, fruits, and flowers she tends to every day. Her house is scattered with books on spells, potions and other magical things but she keeps the most dangerous books locked up in a hidden room.

She is very stubborn and headstrong. She doesn’t like being told what to do with her life and definitely does not want to be the damsel in distress. However, she does get herself in sticky situations because she is somewhat naive to how people really are. Therefore, she usually finds herself getting saved which she hates because she know she is more than capable of handling the situation herself. People often underestimate how powerful she is because of the way she looks. Her main goal in life is to own her very own magical shop where she hand makes every product herself.

I have an idea for the world she lives in. It’s going to be an alternate earth where people have very close relationships with their Gods and Goddesses so that they are granted magical powers. For years people have been using their powers for good since they are given to them from a divine source. There are few people who use their magic for evil but when they do it’s usually because of the Goddess of Chaos interfering and tainting the power from the other God’s and Goddesses.

I don’t know how many Deities there are or what kind of magic they govern but I know I want to base them off some African Deities. I definitely want elemental magic but I’m not sure if I want one Deity to control all the elemental magic or if I should have multiple Deities that control one element but work together to keep everything balanced.

Well anyway, that’s all I came up with. Well, that’s not everything but I don’t want to spoil too much. I’m going to work on it some more tonight and post an update maybe tomorrow or Thursday. I can’t wait to share this story with the world!

So many writing projects!

I have so many story ideas I want to write and they keep coming to me in dreams. I would write down a new story from a dream and forget about the last story I was working on. “Death of a Gothic Lolita” is a story I started in high school 5 or 6 years ago. It’s about a Gothic Lolita that had a curse on her. She dies and is reborn like a Pheonix every year. But her death is very painful and takes months. So she spends the remainder of the story trying to figure out who put the curse on her and how to break it.

But later that year I had a time-traveling dream and I wanted to write about that instead. It was set in the future where time travel is a worldwide business. My main characters dad went missing on a mission and she’s trying to find him but the organization he worked for is telling her to stay out of it. Of course she not going to leave then to find him. So she continues and lots of crazy things happen, I don’t want to spoil too much.

I actually made a new years resolution to write and publish the time travel story by the end of the year. That didn’t happen. I think I got stuck trying to plot the whole thing out. Because with a time travel novel there are so many variables you have to figure out and it’s a daunting task to do alone.

While I was writing/ procrastinating on the time travel story I started thinking about yet another two stories that came to my head while I was writing a couple of prompt I found. The first prompt was “She stood there swinging her wand wildly and yelling the chant over and over. But no matter what she did the horse didn’t sprout and wings nor even a feather.”

With this prompt, I was thinking of a fantasy world based off African Mythology where these people are so connected to the God’s and Goddess they worship that they were granted magical powers. However, my main characters magic isn’t as strong as her sisters and she feels like she’ll never catch up to her sister’s greatness.

The second prompt was “The fire licked her fingers like a puppy welcoming an old friend.” With this prompt, I imagined my main character died in an accident but she was reborn as an Angel. But her guardian Angel was busy so he didn’t tell her until a few months after. So now she has to learn how to be an Angel.

And now after going to the Women in the Arts museum, I got some inspiration to create a comic featuring a black female lead. I have her name and her super powers but I don’t have an origin story for her or a plot yet.

I have five stories I want to write. And I want to write them all! But I should choose one and stick to it. And I think I’m going to start with “Death of a Gothic Lolita” since it was the first one that got me into writing in the first place.

It’s Time I Changed My Life

The other night I had a dream about an ostrich chasing my boyfriend I while we were at school. It was really weird and random so I had to look up the meaning. Yes, I’m one of those people who wants to know what secrets my dreams hold. I do not think all dreams are totally random. I don’t know who gives you your dreams, could be a Goddess/God or Mr. Sandman, but they give them for a reason most of the time.

“If you see an ostrich running, it means that you have a sense of purpose in life in order to fulfill your plans.” – Globe Views

This dream couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I made a resolution to myself a few days ago that I will get my own place, specifically a tiny house, very soon and work on my writing and art while I do so. I’ve been slacking on this for far too long. It’s time I put a plan together. I can no longer live like this.

The other day I went to my cousins High School Graduation and the speakers there gave me a burst of inspiration and motivation to do just that. There was a preacher there that talked about “What you see is what you get.” However he wasn’t talking about seeing with your eyes, he was talking about seeing with your heart and passion. It changed my perspective completely.

Last night I went to the Women in the Art’s Freash Talk for Change event and I had a powerful moment that lit a torch in my soul to work even harder for my goals. I even got to talk with Ashley A. Woods, the artist, and creator of Niobe: She Is Life!!!

I had an amazing experience at the Fresh Talk for Change at the Women in the Arts museum. I had to talk to Ashley Woods because I really felt connected to her. I feel like I know her from somewhere. But anyway, in her talk she touched briefly about being depressed and suicidal while broke and jobless. Which is where I am right now.

I’m not suicidal but I’m scared that I might be going that direction. I’m at that crossroads where my parents want me to go one way but I want to go a different way. And I’m stuck. Unsure of which way is the right way. I feel in my heart and soul that going the artistic and writing route then I will be happy with my success. But if I go my parent’s route I’ll be miserable and I’ll keep putting my artistic goals on the back burner.

I actually broke down in tears when I went up to her. That was probably the free drinks I had. Three, to be exact. I’m so embarrassed for that but she was so kind and sat with me as a cried and rant about where I am in life. I’m so honored for her time and compassion.

The Fog whispers in the back of my head asking me if I really deserve her attention. 

The fact that she even said she would help me in any way she can is incredibly uplifting. But I don’t even know where to begin to ask for help in. There’s so much I have to do and I feel like theyre all equally important.

Writing and Editing, Marketing, Self-Publishing, and so much more. They all seem so important and I’m trying to do learn all at once. Obviously, that’s too overwhelming for me. That will be the first thing I ask her. “Where do I even start?” And “how do I create a plan that I know I will stick to?” Because I’ve never been constant with making and sticking with plans.

I finally feel like things will get better for me. I finally have that fire in my belly to stay constant with my goals. I finally feel like I’m winning the battle between me and The Fog.

Excuse me while I ramble

I still don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. But my dad is in his cleaning happy mood early in the morning so I have to clean the bathroom. I guess since I’ll be in a separate room I can have some peace and quiet. If only his music wasn’t so loud. I would ask him to turn it down but then I’ll have to talk and I don’t feel like doing that.

I’ve been waking up the past few days with a dry throat. Like I’m not drinking enough water. But I know I am. I don’t drink a gallon but I’ll drink multiple glasses a day. I don’t know how many exactly. I should start keeping count.

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I actually stayed up until 5 am and it’s almost 8 now. Been up since my dad turned his music on. At least he’s not blasting rock or metal. That would have pissed me off. Not like I don’t like rock or metal I do. It would just irritate me if he was blasting it while I’m sleeping. But I feel like I can’t get mad at him. This is his home. I’m not paying for it. He can do whatever he wants and I can always leave.

I really want to leave. And never come back. If I had the money I would build myself a small house on a trailer and go everywhere. Somewhere comfortable and quiet where I can be free. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in life. I was never the type to fuss over money and things because I already knew that they didn’t give me any long term satisfaction. But living in nature away from all this fake stuff sure would.

But of course I would get lonely and I can’t even think about going anywhere without my boyfriend. Who I’m jealous of by the way. Not like jealous where I can’t stand being around him though. I’m just jealous he has the life I always dreamed of.

He lived in a house all his life. He’s a talented musician. He grew up fostering his love for cars and got a job doing what he enjoys. He didn’t have to go to college so he’s not in debt. He has friends he can call and hang with anytime he wants. He doesn’t have anxiety or depression. Oh and he gets paid time off. He’s not perfect I know but his life sure is better than mine. I wouldn’t trade places with him tho. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Not even someone I truly hated.

I’m tired of sleeping on this hard futon. I’m so stiff when I get up. There’s no comfortable way to lie on this thing. My back, shoulders, hips, and jaw hurt and feel stiff if the morning and all day. I suppose that means I have to start doing yoga again. I keep looking at my yoga mat and I want to do yoga again. I just don’t have the energy. And I know yoga will give me a boost in energy. It’s just really hard to start again. A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

My dads out doing whatever. I don’t know how much time I have to myself but I sure do wish it could stay this quiet all day. I think I rambled enough. I going to eat and try to do something productive today.

Today I didn’t but Tomorrow I Will!

I wanted to write something earlier but I had no Idea what I wanted to write. I tried to think up some poetry but I have no idea how I feel. I wanted to read a book but I couldn’t focus on anything today. So I just watched random videos. Scrolled through Tumblr. Watched some anime and played video games. I feel like a failure because I didn’t do anything productive.

I guess it’s this lazy Sunday weather. Too hot to think about doing anything. Too beautiful do spend it alone in the house. But also no money to go anywhere with friends. I’m tired of being broke and lonely. I wish I lived with my boyfriend but I don’t want him to have to pay for everything alone.

I’ve tried to get a job but that’s not working out for me. I’m trying to write and publish a book of poetry but depression and anxiety keep holding me back. Keeping me from writing because it’s painful. Keeping me from learning because it’s overwhelming. Keeping me from trying because it’s too much to think about on my own.

Tomorrow will be a new day. A fresh start. Tomorrow I will be more motivated to write and learn. Tomorrow I will do something other than sulk in the house. Tomorrow I will enjoy the beautiful weather.

Tomorrow I Will!

Raw

At writing workshop a friend shared a poem she wrote about her rape and it triggered me. I tried, like I always do, to stay strong and hide the tears but they were too strong. My throat was raw and my heart hurt. But I couldn’t get any words out. I never could. The only thing I could say is that I felt numb and I didn’t like it and I was confused. It’s the only thing I could say. Why is that the only thing I can say?

Writing about things has always been easier than saying things. I usually write about it and “feel better” then ignore it until it pops in my head again. That’s not healthy I know. But what will saying it do? Will it help? That I’m not really sure of but I feel like I have to say it out loud. I feel like if I say it then it will be easier to get over it. I know it will be a part of me forever. But I don’t want to cry everytime someone reads a poem about rape.

Writing this collection of poems really got me sensitive to everything. I’m crying now more that I ever had in my life. I’m crying at random too. Like last night. She said it might trigger but I thought I would be ok since I’m writing about my own rape. Then I cry in fear because my boyfriend didn’t text me. And now I’m fighting tears for who knows what reason. I don’t even know.

I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. All this crying. I don’t know if it’s anxiety or if it’s old feelings resurfacing. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. I wish I could talk about it instead of write about it. Therapy seems so far away. Way too far away. Ten days is too long. I wish I could just go whenever I felt like it. I need to talk to someone. I need to figure some things out.