Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

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I can only blame myself

I missed my appointment. My dad woke me up at 6am and didn’t get up. I was relying on my alarm but that didn’t do anything. So I missed my therapy appointment. And I can only blame myself. 

I’m not really mad. Just disappointed. I rescheduled for the next time that was available. Which was the 19th. Sucks I have to wait so long. I wish I could just Skype my therapist when I need to. I’ll never miss an appointment again.

There’s just so much I need to talk about. My rape. Explaining my depression to my dad. And eventually talking to both of my parents about my rape. I might even have to confront him. I’m really not looking forward to talking about this shit. But I have to. I know I do. Because it’s just going to keep popping up in the back of my mind. And I’m going to keep crying about it internally. Like I have been for years.