It feels like I jumped in quicksand and I’m slowly giving up on trying to get myself out of this mess. I still have bursts of motivation to get myself out. But these bursts of random motivation gets shorter and shorter. I give up faster each time. Letting myself to sink further until I’m in danger of suffocating. When I get to that point I usually have someone there to pull me up a little. They never stay long enough to get me out completely. They have other things to do and I don’t want to be too needy. I’m scared of the day I give up and allow myself to drown.
It starts with oversleeping. I say I’m just so comfortable I don’t want to get up. But it pins me to the bed. It’s starting to suck the energy from me. It’s getting stronger by taking my strength. I wake up with my alarm but I don’t get out of bed like I should. I tell myself to stay where it’s warm and safe.
It stops me from eating like I should. I say I forget but I really don’t feel like it. But I really do. I’m just craving everything I can’t afford. I end up eating once a day. And that’s most likely a late breakfast. Not even a whole one. It weakens me.
Then the thoughts come. Why even try anymore. You’re not that talented. You’re not that smart. Your friends don’t really care. No one really cares. You should just give it. It’s too hard.
And the sadness keeps me from reaching out. I ignore my friends. I don’t tell them what my mind is doing to me. The sadness keeps me from emptying my thoughts on the page. I know its the best thing I should do but I just don’t feel like it. I have no more energy to fight it.
I never know what to do when it gets this far. So I just let it do what it wants. And I pretend I’m alright. But I wish I was back in bed. Alone with the fog. The only one who understands. The only one who believes.
It was nice while it lasted.
My dad has this idea that all depressed people do it sit in a corner with a dark cloud around them sulking about themselves all day. I was still sleeping when he yelled “how can you be depressed? You went out and did stuff yesterday!” Waking me up around noon. Yeah, he yelled at me. Like I’m a child who just lied to him.
I was still sleeping when I responded: “it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.” That only made him angrier. Apparently, I was being a smart ass by giving him the dictionary answer. He was asking about me right now. How do I feel right now?
“I’m just waking up” I respond, why is he’s so upset? “I don’t know how I feel right now because I haven’t even woken up yet.” I sit up and stare at him confused as to why he’s bringing this up now.
He then goes on to tell me that I am not depressed.
I was hoping this was a bad dream. But no. This is my life. I live with someone who thinks they know everything about everyone based off what he sees on the surface. He doesn’t ask questions to get a better understanding. He doesn’t even listen. He just talks and talks and talks until you agree with him.
Just to get him to shut up, I agreed with him.
This isn’t what happened word for word. I had to sit and think about things. As well as rub the confusion from my eyes. It feels like a dream. I wish it was. How am I supposed to explain this to him? Should I even try?