I don’t know how long exactly. All I know is that it’s a new year and I’m not exactly the same person I was. Or so I like to tell myself. I think I changed. But I’m not really sure. I mean, I didn’t really know myself a whole lot before so… It’s hard to measure change I learned a lot about myself… I think…
Depression has been easier to deal with. That much I do know. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in a couple months. I haven’t been to Therapy or CBT in a couple months either. It’s too cold… I don’t like being cold. But I found a schedule I like.
I wake up at around 8-9am and have coffee or tea downstairs and start learning how to freelance. I started learning Web Dev and I really
like love it. Which is why I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been feeling the creative writing energy lately. Or any creative juices for that matter. I guess I needed a creative break.
But I miss writing. I miss expressing myself with words. And I miss connecting with people with my poetry. So I’m going to try and pick it back up. Work The Fog and finally publish it before November.
But right now it’s 12:42am and I’m exhausted. Learning how to code takes a lot of energy out of you…
It has been so incredibly difficult to find the energy to write and learn on Skillshare. I’m so tired of feeling stuck. Like time is speeding up around me. I don’t even know why I feel so tired. I feel like all I’ve been doing is just sitting in a haze. I should probably stop drinking so much caffeine. I know the more you drink the less it works. But it’s embedded in my
morning wake up routine. It’ll take a lot of energy to find another routine that works.
I still haven’t been waking up before 12 pm like I wanted to. That’s something I really need to start doing again. And yoga.
I don’t even feel like writing. I really just want to go back to sleep. Or play the Sims or WoW. I can’t focus long enough to write more than three lines of poetry. I don’t know if I’m blocked or if I’m just tired. But I desperately need to get out of this hole. I need to start writing more poetry. I need to prepare myself to do spoken word. Because I need to start taking care of myself. I have got to move out and get my own place. I can’t keep putting my student loans on hold either. I’ll eventually have to pay those back.
I don’t know what I want to do right now and it’s so frustrating. Because there are a million and one things I should be doing.
I wanted to write something earlier but I had no Idea what I wanted to write. I tried to think up some poetry but I have no idea how I feel. I wanted to read a book but I couldn’t focus on anything today. So I just watched random videos. Scrolled through Tumblr. Watched some anime and played video games. I feel like a failure because I didn’t do anything productive.
I guess it’s this lazy Sunday weather. Too hot to think about doing anything. Too beautiful do spend it alone in the house. But also no money to go anywhere with friends. I’m tired of being broke and lonely. I wish I lived with my boyfriend but I don’t want him to have to pay for everything alone.
I’ve tried to get a job but that’s not working out for me. I’m trying to write and publish a book of poetry but depression and anxiety keep holding me back. Keeping me from writing because it’s painful. Keeping me from learning because it’s overwhelming. Keeping me from trying because it’s too much to think about on my own.
Tomorrow will be a new day. A fresh start. Tomorrow I will be more motivated to write and learn. Tomorrow I will do something other than sulk in the house. Tomorrow I will enjoy the beautiful weather.
Tomorrow I Will!
I hate feeling sleepy like I haven’t been sleeping right. I hate waking up and the only thing I look forward to is going back to sleep. Like I woke up into a nightmare and I can only escape in my dreams. Which I can’t even remember sometimes.
My eyes have been heavy all day. Even after my tea. Which usually leaves me feeling better. I should have made myself another cup but I don’t want to drink too much in one day. I don’t have money to get more.
I fucking hate being poor. I hate living off spare change and the generosity of others. I mean, yeah I’m grateful for all the help I’m getting but I don’t like being so dependent on people. I hate feeling like I will have to owe them one day. I hate feeling uncertain.
And I hate when people say well at least you have this and that. Yea I’m grateful for all that but I am not where I want to be in life.
I just had to get this out of my system…