Still Learning

While everyone else was getting ready for church or work yesterday I slept until noon and woke to an empty house. I felt relieved but also kind of alone. I just can’t wait for the days where I wake up with my boyfriend next to me.

I made some tea and tried to focus on learning Scrivener again but the tutorial in the program wasn’t working out for me. I had to look online for some video tutorials. I found a couple that I really like on Skillshare.

I then tried to focus on actually building my poetry book in Scrivener. I kept jumping around from different elements that go into an ebook and ended up over whelmed again.

So now I’m going to stop; Make a list of elements that go into a published book, do those elements one by one until it’s complete. Once my manuscript is completed all I have to work on is marketing. I have a mini panic attack just thinking of all the people I have to talk to in this phase.

I often find myself wondering why I started writing in the first place. I use to say that I write because I have a story to tell. But now I say that I write to be understood. But I don’t write just for me or just about me. I’m writing for everyone else that feels misunderstood, those who feel lonely but are not alone, and those who are suffering in silence. I’m writing for all of us who are depressed but don’t know how to put it in words or explain to our friends and family.

That’s the only thing that keeps me writing. The only thing that keeps me learning how to self-publish.

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Disoriented

It’s been a long time since I felt this bewildered. It feels like I’m standing in the middle of a maze and I don’t know which way is the right way out. I don’t know what to do right now. I started 3 different blog post about 3 different events that happened and I can’t complete them for some reason. I can’t get the events out my head and onto the blank page. I tried to take a class on Skillshare but I couldn’t focus on that either. I should probably stop trying so hard.

But I feel like I need to do something. Something productive. Something towards my goals. Something important. I just don’t know what. Maybe I should start making a schedule again. Or maybe I just need to take a day off. But I don’t think I deserve a day off since I’m already neglecting my blog since my family is here and even before they got here. I don’t want to blame them being here but since they came it feels like I’ve been doing something all day every day.

Maybe I just need some time alone. I think that’s exactly what I need. But I can’t. Someone is always home. And I’m so used to be here alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I don’t know how long I can take this.

But hey, I survived.

I have been around my family for three whole days. I finally some alone time so I can write.

My mom told me Friday night that we were going to Virginia in the morning to help my grandmother and my two aunts to pack up and move to their new apartment. I was reluctant at first to go but I thought the exercise and free food would do me some justice. I did not, however, foresee that the fog would hit me so hard even after all that moving around and eating I’ve been doing. It probably hit so hard because I didn’t get the right amount of sleep. I should be doing yoga because my body feels so tense since I’m sleeping on the couch.

The only alone time I got what when I went to the bathroom. So I just had to suck it up and keep pretending. I definitely didn’t want to tell them about my depression because they’ll just shove bible quotes down my throat and I didn’t feel like hearing that. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell them. I hope I find the courage to do so before I publish a book about what I’m going through.

I kind of got mad at my boyfriend because the one time I tell him I really need him asap he doesn’t text back until five hours later because he’s hanging out with a friend. I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared of being alone. I’ve never had them so intense before so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell him about the thoughts though. I just told him I was ready to “give up on life.”

But now I’m confused. Am I asking too much from him? Am I being too needy? Am I being selfish? I don’t know but he apologized like a thousand times and promised to be there for me more. But I still don’t know if I should just try to manage without him because I know its unrealistic to expect him to be there 24/7. But he wants to try. So I’ll let him try. Maybe he should come to therapy with me next time so he can learn how to help me manage.

My mom suggested that she and dad come to one of my therapy sessions. While I do think it a good idea the very thought of being interrogated by them in such a small room terrifies me. I don’t know if I can handle it yet. But I know its important that I try talking to them so they can understand how I feel.

The past few days have been so stressful. But at least I’m still alive. Since I survived this I can get through another few days of family gatherings.

What am I doing?

It’s the middle of the week and what have I done? It feels like I haven’t been doing anything. But I know that’s not true. I started working on my first novel and I’m still writing poetry for my collection. I’m reading about writing fantasy and reading fantasy for ideas. So I’m definitely doing things. But why do I feel so unaccomplished? It’s probably because it feels like I haven’t been doing anything at all. Maybe I should write down all the things I have done then count them at the end of the day. I think that will help me feel more accomplished.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping way too much. And it doesn’t help that my doctor told me to stop drinking so much caffeine. But I understand. Drinking too much caffeine messes with your sleep/wake cycle. But I don’t know what else to do in the morning to help me wake up. I take showers but that really only make me want to go back to sleep. I haven’t tried taking a cold shower because I love hot showers way too much. And I don’t want to get sick.

My mom has also been waking me up reminding me of all the things I still haven’t done. So that’s also making me feel unaccomplished. I know that’s not her intention. I know she’s just trying to help but I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her to keep reminding me of everything I’ve yet to do. It just reminds me that I haven’t done anything important. But I don’t want to sound rude. Every time I try to tell her something she thinks I have an attitude or something and that’s just not it. I’m actually trying to get her to see my perspective.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

Excuse me while I ramble

I still don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. But my dad is in his cleaning happy mood early in the morning so I have to clean the bathroom. I guess since I’ll be in a separate room I can have some peace and quiet. If only his music wasn’t so loud. I would ask him to turn it down but then I’ll have to talk and I don’t feel like doing that.

I’ve been waking up the past few days with a dry throat. Like I’m not drinking enough water. But I know I am. I don’t drink a gallon but I’ll drink multiple glasses a day. I don’t know how many exactly. I should start keeping count.

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I actually stayed up until 5 am and it’s almost 8 now. Been up since my dad turned his music on. At least he’s not blasting rock or metal. That would have pissed me off. Not like I don’t like rock or metal I do. It would just irritate me if he was blasting it while I’m sleeping. But I feel like I can’t get mad at him. This is his home. I’m not paying for it. He can do whatever he wants and I can always leave.

I really want to leave. And never come back. If I had the money I would build myself a small house on a trailer and go everywhere. Somewhere comfortable and quiet where I can be free. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in life. I was never the type to fuss over money and things because I already knew that they didn’t give me any long term satisfaction. But living in nature away from all this fake stuff sure would.

But of course I would get lonely and I can’t even think about going anywhere without my boyfriend. Who I’m jealous of by the way. Not like jealous where I can’t stand being around him though. I’m just jealous he has the life I always dreamed of.

He lived in a house all his life. He’s a talented musician. He grew up fostering his love for cars and got a job doing what he enjoys. He didn’t have to go to college so he’s not in debt. He has friends he can call and hang with anytime he wants. He doesn’t have anxiety or depression. Oh and he gets paid time off. He’s not perfect I know but his life sure is better than mine. I wouldn’t trade places with him tho. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Not even someone I truly hated.

I’m tired of sleeping on this hard futon. I’m so stiff when I get up. There’s no comfortable way to lie on this thing. My back, shoulders, hips, and jaw hurt and feel stiff if the morning and all day. I suppose that means I have to start doing yoga again. I keep looking at my yoga mat and I want to do yoga again. I just don’t have the energy. And I know yoga will give me a boost in energy. It’s just really hard to start again. A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

My dads out doing whatever. I don’t know how much time I have to myself but I sure do wish it could stay this quiet all day. I think I rambled enough. I going to eat and try to do something productive today.

Trauma

*Trigger Warning: Rape*

I was sexually abused for years when I was a child by my cousin. I didn’t stop it. I wanted to stop it. I was confused. I felt numb when he touched me. It was all a blur and it feels like a dream. Then I was molested by a guy from high school. I was scared to call him a friend but I did. He kept grabbing me and making me touch him. I just wanted him to stop. Then I was raped in my sleep by someone I thought I could trust. After I told him I was raped and molested. I guess he thought he could have his fun too.

I write about the things that happened to me. But I don’t talk about them. I should probably talk about them. I desperately want to talk about it but I can’t bring myself to say the words. I don’t even know why I want to say it out loud.

One day I will say these words out loud. One day it won’t feel like a nightmare. One day it won’t pop into my head when I don’t want it to. Right? Or will it continue to haunt me forever? Will I ever rid myself of these memories? Why should I even say it out loud? Do I really have to? Can’t I just keep it buried in the back of my mind forever? Can’t I just pretend to be okay? Can’t I just forget it ever happened like him?

Did he even forget? Does he even feel sorry? Would deny it now? I’m scared to find out. What if it was just a nightmare. What if it never actually happened. What if I lied? What if I asked for it?

It’ll be alright – Inspiration for You and Me

Sometimes the world is a fucked up place. And sometimes there ain’t shit we can do about it. We are forced to play the cards were dealt. And we have to struggle. But you know what? The world is a constantly evolving place. Ideas change. Tradition’s change. People change too.

There are people out there that help others fight their demons. Some are even fighting their own. And that’s the most beautiful thing about this world and humanity. Stay strong and keep your head above the fog for as long as you can. And always try to love yourself first. Remember that there is someone out there that will listen, be your shoulder to cry on, and love you.

“Gotta have opposites, light and dark and dark and light, in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when the good times come. I’m waiting on the good times now.” – Bob Ross

Just a rant

I hate feeling sleepy like I haven’t been sleeping right. I hate waking up and the only thing I look forward to is going back to sleep. Like I woke up into a nightmare and I can only escape in my dreams. Which I can’t even remember sometimes.

My eyes have been heavy all day. Even after my tea. Which usually leaves me feeling better. I should have made myself another cup but I don’t want to drink too much in one day. I don’t have money to get more.

I fucking hate being poor. I hate living off spare change and the generosity of others. I mean, yeah I’m grateful for all the help I’m getting but I don’t like being so dependent on people. I hate feeling like I will have to owe them one day. I hate feeling uncertain.

And I hate when people say well at least you have this and that. Yea I’m grateful for all that but I am not where I want to be in life.

I just had to get this out of my system…

Life is Beautiful

I started relearning the literary terms for writing. Specifically for writing poetry. I haven’t found a video that’s easy for me to follow. One that doesn’t put me to sleep. I feel like I’m back in school. I hate that. So boring and over complicated. But I have to push myself through it. Or do I? Do I really need to relearn literary tools to be a published poet? That’s something I should do some research on. I’m going to take a break from learning meter and rhythm for now and turn my attention to self-publishing. There’s something I never thought I would be researching in high school. It’s funny how your life changes in a few years.

I’m going to take a break from learning meter and rhythm for now and turn my attention to self-publishing. There’s something I never thought I would be researching after high school. It’s funny how your life changes in a few years. One moment you think you know your direction then life throws loops at you and you’re way off course. You think you want to go this way but you see the road ahead and decide its not for you. You watch someone on their road and you want to follow them. Life can be amazing at times.

Life can be beautiful. The way you change throughout your life is beautiful. Even hardships can be beautiful. Because they build character and flaws. The fact that no one is born perfect but most of us find that someone that thinks we are perfect the way we are, is beautiful. Humans are beautiful. The mind of a human being is beautiful. The way our bodies work without much effort is beautiful. Even the way we adapt to new environments and ways of living is beautiful. I wish everyone can see the beauty inside all of humanity. The world would be a much better place to live if we all accepted that.

I went way off topic… Anyway, I’m going to learn how to self-publish.