But hey, I survived.

I have been around my family for three whole days. I finally some alone time so I can write.

My mom told me Friday night that we were going to Virginia in the morning to help my grandmother and my two aunts to pack up and move to their new apartment. I was reluctant at first to go but I thought the exercise and free food would do me some justice. I did not, however, foresee that the fog would hit me so hard even after all that moving around and eating I’ve been doing. It probably hit so hard because I didn’t get the right amount of sleep. I should be doing yoga because my body feels so tense since I’m sleeping on the couch.

The only alone time I got what when I went to the bathroom. So I just had to suck it up and keep pretending. I definitely didn’t want to tell them about my depression because they’ll just shove bible quotes down my throat and I didn’t feel like hearing that. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell them. I hope I find the courage to do so before I publish a book about what I’m going through.

I kind of got mad at my boyfriend because the one time I tell him I really need him asap he doesn’t text back until five hours later because he’s hanging out with a friend. I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared of being alone. I’ve never had them so intense before so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell him about the thoughts though. I just told him I was ready to “give up on life.”

But now I’m confused. Am I asking too much from him? Am I being too needy? Am I being selfish? I don’t know but he apologized like a thousand times and promised to be there for me more. But I still don’t know if I should just try to manage without him because I know its unrealistic to expect him to be there 24/7. But he wants to try. So I’ll let him try. Maybe he should come to therapy with me next time so he can learn how to help me manage.

My mom suggested that she and dad come to one of my therapy sessions. While I do think it a good idea the very thought of being interrogated by them in such a small room terrifies me. I don’t know if I can handle it yet. But I know its important that I try talking to them so they can understand how I feel.

The past few days have been so stressful. But at least I’m still alive. Since I survived this I can get through another few days of family gatherings.


Beautiful Days Without The Fog

I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. The fog hasn’t returned and I’m not sad again. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfortable and warm. I’m not sure if I’m sad or not. I’m still waking up so I don’t really know what I am. I was really happy yesterday and my nerves were solid. Except for one mini anxiety attack but it was so small it barely happened.

Spent the whole evening with my boyfriend and his friends. We all went on a car cruise together. It was a beautiful day and they took a lot of pictures with their nice cars. I kind of wish it was just my boyfriend and I. Or at least add another girl to the mix. I felt just a little lonely with him talking about cars with them. The day was so gorgeous I didn’t let it get to me.

Today is still beautiful. But I have to catch up on some writing so I can’t enjoy it like yesterday. Speaking of writing, planning these poems are making me a bit raw. I’m reopening old wounds so I can bleed over the pages of The Fog. My old anxieties and insecurities are resurfacing. I have to fight with these demons so I can banish them forever. But it’s making me kind of numb. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

I still haven’t gone to therapy or talked to my parents about anything yet. They know I’m writing a book of poetry but they have no Idea what it’s about. I’ve shown my mom some of my poems so she can probably guess what the collection will be about. I’m not sure if I should tell them before or after therapy. I don’t even know where to start.

Look at these marvelous pictures though!

Small Pond
Clear Creek
Grass and Creek

It was a beautiful day without the fog. I continue to live for days like these.