Still Learning

While everyone else was getting ready for church or work yesterday I slept until noon and woke to an empty house. I felt relieved but also kind of alone. I just can’t wait for the days where I wake up with my boyfriend next to me.

I made some tea and tried to focus on learning Scrivener again but the tutorial in the program wasn’t working out for me. I had to look online for some video tutorials. I found a couple that I really like on Skillshare.

I then tried to focus on actually building my poetry book in Scrivener. I kept jumping around from different elements that go into an ebook and ended up over whelmed again.

So now I’m going to stop; Make a list of elements that go into a published book, do those elements one by one until it’s complete. Once my manuscript is completed all I have to work on is marketing. I have a mini panic attack just thinking of all the people I have to talk to in this phase.

I often find myself wondering why I started writing in the first place. I use to say that I write because I have a story to tell. But now I say that I write to be understood. But I don’t write just for me or just about me. I’m writing for everyone else that feels misunderstood, those who feel lonely but are not alone, and those who are suffering in silence. I’m writing for all of us who are depressed but don’t know how to put it in words or explain to our friends and family.

That’s the only thing that keeps me writing. The only thing that keeps me learning how to self-publish.

But hey, I survived.

I have been around my family for three whole days. I finally some alone time so I can write.

My mom told me Friday night that we were going to Virginia in the morning to help my grandmother and my two aunts to pack up and move to their new apartment. I was reluctant at first to go but I thought the exercise and free food would do me some justice. I did not, however, foresee that the fog would hit me so hard even after all that moving around and eating I’ve been doing. It probably hit so hard because I didn’t get the right amount of sleep. I should be doing yoga because my body feels so tense since I’m sleeping on the couch.

The only alone time I got what when I went to the bathroom. So I just had to suck it up and keep pretending. I definitely didn’t want to tell them about my depression because they’ll just shove bible quotes down my throat and I didn’t feel like hearing that. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell them. I hope I find the courage to do so before I publish a book about what I’m going through.

I kind of got mad at my boyfriend because the one time I tell him I really need him asap he doesn’t text back until five hours later because he’s hanging out with a friend. I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared of being alone. I’ve never had them so intense before so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell him about the thoughts though. I just told him I was ready to “give up on life.”

But now I’m confused. Am I asking too much from him? Am I being too needy? Am I being selfish? I don’t know but he apologized like a thousand times and promised to be there for me more. But I still don’t know if I should just try to manage without him because I know its unrealistic to expect him to be there 24/7. But he wants to try. So I’ll let him try. Maybe he should come to therapy with me next time so he can learn how to help me manage.

My mom suggested that she and dad come to one of my therapy sessions. While I do think it a good idea the very thought of being interrogated by them in such a small room terrifies me. I don’t know if I can handle it yet. But I know its important that I try talking to them so they can understand how I feel.

The past few days have been so stressful. But at least I’m still alive. Since I survived this I can get through another few days of family gatherings.

I’m Still Trying

I was in a really bad place for the past few days. So bad that I started thinking about suicide. I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I finally feel something other than empty and hopeless. I feel more optimistic than before but I still feel like I won’t be able to do all the things I need to manage my depression.

Eat healthier, get at least 8 hours of sleep, and exercise.

The only thing I’m really worried about is eating healthier. I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. I have a mini panic attack when I even think about going to an interview. So I’m trying to learn how to self-publish. The more I learn the more I realize I have to talk to people. In person. Face to face. That scares me too. I know I can ask my friends for money so I can get food but I feel like I already ask them for too much. And I don’t want to burden my parents anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I can try to change my sleeping habits. I usually put on a documentary and watch that until I fall asleep. It helps sometimes but other times I’m actually interested in the documentary and I want to keep watching. That’s what I get for being so inquisitive.

We also talked about triggers of depression, then the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical symptoms of depression. The Cycle of Depression. For me, my main trigger is my financial stress. Which stems from being unemployed with student loan debts. My next trigger is family stress. Like when my parents keep pushing me to do things when I can’t do basic things like eating right or cleaning up after myself. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because they think they know the answer but they don’t and I don’t know how to tell them they’re wrong without offending them.

Those are the two main triggers I have. The one that affects me almost daily is the financial stress. Because I want to do some much but I can’t because I don’t have any money. And I don’t want to keep asking. Especially when I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay people back. My friends keep telling me I can ask for whatever I need but I still feel like I’m taking advantage of them.

Then I start looking for a job and when I read the requirements I lose hope. Because all the jobs I apply for are looking for “outgoing” “people orientated” applicants and that’s just not me. I could lie but then I would have to pretend and that’s too much work. I’m already pretending almost every day to be more put together than I really am. I can’t possibly pretend to be the “perfect employee.”

There are ways I can earn money online as a creative individual though. Thanks to modern technology. I just have to learn how to use it. And I’m doing that thanks to Skillshare. And YouTube. And Google. I just have to take 30 minutes every single day and learn. Then take another hour or two to apply what I learned.

When I write it down it sounds so easy but I know I’ll struggle to apply myself. I should start with my CBT assignments before I work on my writing projects.

Baby Steps.

I’m Trying

I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.

But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.

I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.

I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.

The Fog Won Today

I finally got up at 1:30 pm to use the bathroom and eat. I even made some tea and cleaned up a little bit. But I still feel heavy. Still tired. I want to go back to sleep. I wanted to get up and do some yoga but The Fog stole my energy. It feels like I have weights on my limbs. It hurts to get up and do things. My knees wobble and my hand’s tremble. My heart beats harder and it feels like I’m dying. My head hurts when I stand too fast.

I’m just a fucking mess today. I want to go out and enjoy the beautiful day but sun hurts my eyes. I’m not sure if I will have the energy to go to writing workshop tonight. Especially after my mom asked me to clean the bathroom which I’m probably not going to do. I don’t even have the energy to work on my poetry or my novel today. But I know if I don’t I’ll regret not doing anything productive. And I know if I don’t clean up my mom would get upset and start yelling about how lazy I am.

I wish she could see the shackles on my limbs wearing me down. I wish she could feel how heavy they are. I wish she could see the fog clouding my vision. But then again I don’t want to wish this on her. Or anyone. While It would be nice if they understood what it felt like I would want anyone to experience depression. It’s a nightmare. And it never ends. Even when I’m feeling good or when something good happens to me I can’t help but wonder how long this good feeling will last.

I don’t know what to do.

I took me 3 hours to write this. 3 hours. And I don’t think I said everything I wanted to say. But I’m too tired to continue.

Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

What’s happening to me?

In a burst of frustration and rage, I threw a stool. My mom woke me up and I was just falling asleep. She doesn’t understand that I haven’t been sleeping well because of my anxiety flairs at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I wanted to tell her that but she was moving too fast and reminding me of all the shit I have to do. Like I don’t know. Like I wasn’t up all night worrying about all that shit. I probably shouldn’t think too much about why I threw it. I can’t help but realize that it’s out of character for me. I’m always frustrated when someone wakes me up. But I’ve never been this angry before.

It reminds me of those times when I was in high school. I would bring home a bad report card and they would scold me. I would get so angry and frustrated because they don’t know and I didn’t know how to tell them just how stressful school was for me. I would start backing away but they kept pressing me they kept yelling at me. I remember one time, in particular, I got so frustrated I almost broke. My parents backed me into a corner, literally and figuratively, and I started screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t control myself I was so scared. I don’t remember how my parents reacted or what happened after that.

My worst fear is to have a psychotic breakdown and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life in an institute. I’ve always been scared of losing control and I feel like I’m losing control. I don’t know what to do.

Lost

to lose a friend so soon

and on such a beautiful day

like the weather mocks our gloom

since we didnt get a say

i scream how unfair it is to the moon

that she was taken away

from a lonely hospital room

 

cant think straight

i havent grieved in so long

i dont know what to do

or what to say

i dont even know who to say it to

can’t sleep

dont want to see her in me dreams

i can still hear her laugh

and see her smile

she had a lively laugh

like thats all she wanted to do

was to laugh with friends

Still In Shock

I learned yesterday that one of the women in our writing group died after surgery. It was such a small simple surgery but she got an infection. And infections from hospitals are a hell of a lot more dangerous since they use antibacterial everything. We weren’t expecting her to pass so suddenly and I’m grateful my friend got the information about her death. I would rather know what happened to her than to wonder forever if she’s well or not. Since we’re not family and we don’t know her family we would have never known.

I was honestly not expecting to cry. And definitely didn’t expect to cry multiple times. I didn’t really know her that well. But I can’t stop seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. She had an interesting laugh. She laughed like that’s all she wanted to do. Laugh with friends. We got in contact with her family and they will have a service for her and were invited to come honor her. I haven’t been to a funeral in so long I don’t even know what to do there. Especially not at a friends funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes.

I’m worried that I might not deserve to be there. I didn’t know her that well and yet I’m crying and I miss her. I’m so not used to this. But then who is? Losing a friend so suddenly. I was going to be with my dad for fathers day but then I got the news. Thankfully he understood I needed to be with my friends. But I still feel guilty. But spending time with them was good. We got to share memories of her and talk about honoring her life. After the service we might go to a beach drink a coke, it was her favorite, and read the writing she shared with us.

I’ve been wishing for a vacation. I’ve been wishing to go to the beach again. But I didn’t want to go like this. I guess I should be careful about what I wish for.

It’s Time I Changed My Life

The other night I had a dream about an ostrich chasing my boyfriend I while we were at school. It was really weird and random so I had to look up the meaning. Yes, I’m one of those people who wants to know what secrets my dreams hold. I do not think all dreams are totally random. I don’t know who gives you your dreams, could be a Goddess/God or Mr. Sandman, but they give them for a reason most of the time.

“If you see an ostrich running, it means that you have a sense of purpose in life in order to fulfill your plans.” – Globe Views

This dream couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I made a resolution to myself a few days ago that I will get my own place, specifically a tiny house, very soon and work on my writing and art while I do so. I’ve been slacking on this for far too long. It’s time I put a plan together. I can no longer live like this.

The other day I went to my cousins High School Graduation and the speakers there gave me a burst of inspiration and motivation to do just that. There was a preacher there that talked about “What you see is what you get.” However he wasn’t talking about seeing with your eyes, he was talking about seeing with your heart and passion. It changed my perspective completely.

Last night I went to the Women in the Art’s Freash Talk for Change event and I had a powerful moment that lit a torch in my soul to work even harder for my goals. I even got to talk with Ashley A. Woods, the artist, and creator of Niobe: She Is Life!!!

I had an amazing experience at the Fresh Talk for Change at the Women in the Arts museum. I had to talk to Ashley Woods because I really felt connected to her. I feel like I know her from somewhere. But anyway, in her talk she touched briefly about being depressed and suicidal while broke and jobless. Which is where I am right now.

I’m not suicidal but I’m scared that I might be going that direction. I’m at that crossroads where my parents want me to go one way but I want to go a different way. And I’m stuck. Unsure of which way is the right way. I feel in my heart and soul that going the artistic and writing route then I will be happy with my success. But if I go my parent’s route I’ll be miserable and I’ll keep putting my artistic goals on the back burner.

I actually broke down in tears when I went up to her. That was probably the free drinks I had. Three, to be exact. I’m so embarrassed for that but she was so kind and sat with me as a cried and rant about where I am in life. I’m so honored for her time and compassion.

The Fog whispers in the back of my head asking me if I really deserve her attention. 

The fact that she even said she would help me in any way she can is incredibly uplifting. But I don’t even know where to begin to ask for help in. There’s so much I have to do and I feel like theyre all equally important.

Writing and Editing, Marketing, Self-Publishing, and so much more. They all seem so important and I’m trying to do learn all at once. Obviously, that’s too overwhelming for me. That will be the first thing I ask her. “Where do I even start?” And “how do I create a plan that I know I will stick to?” Because I’ve never been constant with making and sticking with plans.

I finally feel like things will get better for me. I finally have that fire in my belly to stay constant with my goals. I finally feel like I’m winning the battle between me and The Fog.