What’s happening to me?

In a burst of frustration and rage, I threw a stool. My mom woke me up and I was just falling asleep. She doesn’t understand that I haven’t been sleeping well because of my anxiety flairs at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I wanted to tell her that but she was moving too fast and reminding me of all the shit I have to do. Like I don’t know. Like I wasn’t up all night worrying about all that shit. I probably shouldn’t think too much about why I threw it. I can’t help but realize that it’s out of character for me. I’m always frustrated when someone wakes me up. But I’ve never been this angry before.

It reminds me of those times when I was in high school. I would bring home a bad report card and they would scold me. I would get so angry and frustrated because they don’t know and I didn’t know how to tell them just how stressful school was for me. I would start backing away but they kept pressing me they kept yelling at me. I remember one time, in particular, I got so frustrated I almost broke. My parents backed me into a corner, literally and figuratively, and I started screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t control myself I was so scared. I don’t remember how my parents reacted or what happened after that.

My worst fear is to have a psychotic breakdown and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life in an institute. I’ve always been scared of losing control and I feel like I’m losing control. I don’t know what to do.

Lost in Darkness

sometimes i feel like

a little girl who

lost her parents and

is now alone in

the dark with no

one to hold her

i put the blame on myself

i always kept my feelings to myself

i should have told you how i really felt

i put the blame on myself

i lost myself in the dark

i put the blame on myself

now i have to feel

around for your hand to

hold and yell at you

to tell you how this

darkness feels in my head

but please don’t

ask questions

don’t

ask why

just try to

understand

this darkness

 

Explaining Depression to my Dad: The Preparation

I’m irritated. I feel kind of betrayed. But I shouldn’t have expected him to understand my depression. After all, he is the same man that refuses to accept my sexual orientation because he hasn’t seen me pursue women romantically. It was foolish of me to think he would understand. After all, he is the same man that only sees things through his eyes only and refuses to get another opinion.

I don’t want to explain it to him. I know he’s going to find a way to make it about him. I know he’s going to give me the same advice I’ve been getting since I was first diagnosed. The same things that I’ve tried. The same things I gave up on. But in order to keep my sanity while living with him, I must explain it to him eventually.

But where do I even start? I don’t even fully understand it myself. And when do I start? There are so many events that lead up to me going to therapy for the first time and getting diagnosed. And my memory isn’t that great. I’m probably going to have to really rethink some events in my life. And that’s something I’m not sure if I’m prepared for.

I wish I would wake up from this nightmare…

You don’t know everything

My dad has this idea that all depressed people do it sit in a corner with a dark cloud around them sulking about themselves all day. I was still sleeping when he yelled “how can you be depressed? You went out and did stuff yesterday!” Waking me up around noon. Yeah, he yelled at me. Like I’m a child who just lied to him.

I was still sleeping when I responded: “it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.” That only made him angrier. Apparently, I was being a smart ass by giving him the dictionary answer. He was asking about me right now. How do I feel right now?

“I’m just waking up” I respond, why is he’s so upset? “I don’t know how I feel right now because I haven’t even woken up yet.” I sit up and stare at him confused as to why he’s bringing this up now.

He then goes on to tell me that I am not depressed.

I was hoping this was a bad dream. But no. This is my life. I live with someone who thinks they know everything about everyone based off what he sees on the surface. He doesn’t ask questions to get a better understanding. He doesn’t even listen. He just talks and talks and talks until you agree with him.

Just to get him to shut up, I agreed with him.

This isn’t what happened word for word. I had to sit and think about things. As well as rub the confusion from my eyes. It feels like a dream. I wish it was. How am I supposed to explain this to him? Should I even try?