So now he thinks I self-diagnosed myself. Great. I can’t believe he doesn’t remember me going to therapy. I’m sure I told him. Or maybe he thought I went just to talk about nothing. I don’t know. Or maybe I thought I told him but I really didn’t. I do that sometimes. I say things to people in my head thinking that I said it out loud.
So I wrote down how it feels for me. I will either read it to him when I feel the time is right, maybe after a couple therapy sessions. Or maybe I’ll just let him read it.
What Depression Feels Like To Me
It’s like a fog or an overcast on a beautiful day. All I want to do is lift that fog so I can enjoy it. Sometimes it lifts and I can but other times it just gets heavier and or thicker. On those days I will either keep trying to lift it but that gets exhausting. Eventually, I will get tired and just pretend that it’s not there. But even that gets exhausting. I’m not always strong enough to lift the fog by myself. I wish I have someone there to lift it for me. And if there isn’t anyone there the fog weighs me down and I end up feeling numb.
Sometimes depression feels like an overcast. Completely out of my control. Something that will come and go. I wait patiently. Numb and empty. Lethargic and apathetic. I just want to go back to sleep and hope when I wake it’ll be over. When I do sleep all day I’ll feel worse. Irritated and angry with myself for procrastinating on everything. Then I get stressed out because of the overwhelming things that I have to do. And I actually want to panic because I just want to feel something that would kick myself into high gear. But half the time nothing happens. I try to distract myself by doing something that might give me joy. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn’t. It really depends on the amount of support I get.
That’s all I have for now. I don’t want this post to get too long and I have some chores I need to do. Also, I forgot to eat. And I’m starving. I’ll continue this later today. Or tomorrow.
I’m irritated. I feel kind of betrayed. But I shouldn’t have expected him to understand my depression. After all, he is the same man that refuses to accept my sexual orientation because he hasn’t seen me pursue women romantically. It was foolish of me to think he would understand. After all, he is the same man that only sees things through his eyes only and refuses to get another opinion.
I don’t want to explain it to him. I know he’s going to find a way to make it about him. I know he’s going to give me the same advice I’ve been getting since I was first diagnosed. The same things that I’ve tried. The same things I gave up on. But in order to keep my sanity while living with him, I must explain it to him eventually.
But where do I even start? I don’t even fully understand it myself. And when do I start? There are so many events that lead up to me going to therapy for the first time and getting diagnosed. And my memory isn’t that great. I’m probably going to have to really rethink some events in my life. And that’s something I’m not sure if I’m prepared for.
I wish I would wake up from this nightmare…
My dad has this idea that all depressed people do it sit in a corner with a dark cloud around them sulking about themselves all day. I was still sleeping when he yelled “how can you be depressed? You went out and did stuff yesterday!” Waking me up around noon. Yeah, he yelled at me. Like I’m a child who just lied to him.
I was still sleeping when I responded: “it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.” That only made him angrier. Apparently, I was being a smart ass by giving him the dictionary answer. He was asking about me right now. How do I feel right now?
“I’m just waking up” I respond, why is he’s so upset? “I don’t know how I feel right now because I haven’t even woken up yet.” I sit up and stare at him confused as to why he’s bringing this up now.
He then goes on to tell me that I am not depressed.
I was hoping this was a bad dream. But no. This is my life. I live with someone who thinks they know everything about everyone based off what he sees on the surface. He doesn’t ask questions to get a better understanding. He doesn’t even listen. He just talks and talks and talks until you agree with him.
Just to get him to shut up, I agreed with him.
This isn’t what happened word for word. I had to sit and think about things. As well as rub the confusion from my eyes. It feels like a dream. I wish it was. How am I supposed to explain this to him? Should I even try?