I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.
But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.
I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.
I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.
There is is again. The weight of the fog pinning me to my seat. Refusing to let me move. Or maybe I’m just lazy like everyone else says. And here I go again dragging me feet. Wishing for the comfort of my bed. Hating myself for leaving the house. Trying to enjoy the beautiful day.
Instead I want to shut my eyes and sleep this fog away. Maybe it’ll engulf me. Maybe it’ll take me away to a place where I can be free from the pain of being human.
I don’t mean I will take my own life. I just want to dissapear not die. I want to dissapear Like Alice in wonderland. I wish to bee free from this prison. Sometimes I wonder if I created this myself. If I could just will it away. If I just think really hard. Will it go away forever?
Or am I stick with this for the rest of my life? I already know there is no magic pill that’ll take this away…
I’m irritated. I feel kind of betrayed. But I shouldn’t have expected him to understand my depression. After all, he is the same man that refuses to accept my sexual orientation because he hasn’t seen me pursue women romantically. It was foolish of me to think he would understand. After all, he is the same man that only sees things through his eyes only and refuses to get another opinion.
I don’t want to explain it to him. I know he’s going to find a way to make it about him. I know he’s going to give me the same advice I’ve been getting since I was first diagnosed. The same things that I’ve tried. The same things I gave up on. But in order to keep my sanity while living with him, I must explain it to him eventually.
But where do I even start? I don’t even fully understand it myself. And when do I start? There are so many events that lead up to me going to therapy for the first time and getting diagnosed. And my memory isn’t that great. I’m probably going to have to really rethink some events in my life. And that’s something I’m not sure if I’m prepared for.
I wish I would wake up from this nightmare…
I usually try to put on a smile and go about my day. Forcing myself to have some kind of feeling. Something other than cold and irritated. But the sun had abandoned me today. And the overcast has returned. I normally like these cloudy days. They inspire me to write or read. But today I really needed the sun for energy. I got used to its presence but I missed the opportunity to go out any enjoy the day. I thought the sun was going to continue shining today so I planned to go to the harbor. But now I don’t feel like doing anything. I want to lay back in bed. Curl up and go back to sleep. But I know that won’t do me any good. Maybe I’ll take another shower and go for a walk.
A 12 pm alarm goes off and wakes me up. Reminding me to eat today. I feel sick. I’m not sure why. Well, it’s probably because of malnutrition. I only had noodles yesterday. Noodles and tea. No protein. Just starch and sodium.
I know what my body needs to survive.
I just can’t afford to get what I need right now.
Since I dropped out of college I’m still living with my parents. I can’t keep a job long enough to live on my own. I keep getting short contracts but I never get hired as a full-time employee. Either because I don’t have enough experience, I don’t stand out, or they just aren’t hiring new full-timers yet. So I’m stuck sleeping on a couch at my mom’s apartment. Sleeping on a rock-hard futon at my dad’s apartment. I still have student loans to pay off, and I can’t afford to eat as much as I need to.
I wish I had a real bed.
The Sun finally shows itself after days of overcast and scattered storms. It’s finally warm and beautiful. I should have woken up energized but instead, I woke up drained before I even did anything. I didn’t even get out of bed until noon. And that was only because my dad called and asked for me to bring him something from his room down to his idle car.
I took a shower hoping to wash some of this mood off. It manifests with the steam instead of going down the drain like I hoped. I continue to straighten up after getting dressed just so I don’t collapse in the bed like I usually do on these days. Today, perhaps because of the sun, I actually feel stimulated enough to do more things around the house. Like cleaning the stinky fridge. And vacuuming the living room. And actually folding the clothes I washed yesterday.
Yeah. Maybe I’ll do just that.