Trauma

*Trigger Warning: Rape*

I was sexually abused for years when I was a child by my cousin. I didn’t stop it. I wanted to stop it. I was confused. I felt numb when he touched me. It was all a blur and it feels like a dream. Then I was molested by a guy from high school. I was scared to call him a friend but I did. He kept grabbing me and making me touch him. I just wanted him to stop. Then I was raped in my sleep by someone I thought I could trust. After I told him I was raped and molested. I guess he thought he could have his fun too.

I write about the things that happened to me. But I don’t talk about them. I should probably talk about them. I desperately want to talk about it but I can’t bring myself to say the words. I don’t even know why I want to say it out loud.

One day I will say these words out loud. One day it won’t feel like a nightmare. One day it won’t pop into my head when I don’t want it to. Right? Or will it continue to haunt me forever? Will I ever rid myself of these memories? Why should I even say it out loud? Do I really have to? Can’t I just keep it buried in the back of my mind forever? Can’t I just pretend to be okay? Can’t I just forget it ever happened like him?

Did he even forget? Does he even feel sorry? Would deny it now? I’m scared to find out. What if it was just a nightmare. What if it never actually happened. What if I lied? What if I asked for it?

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Stolen Innocence

*Trigger Warning: Rape*​ 

It’s been in the back of my mind for the past few days. I’ve stumbled upon some poetry about rape and molestation. It got me thinking about mine. I was trying to push it down but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I desperately wanted to talk about it. So here I go.

As a child I was raped and molested by one of my male cousins. Multiple times for a number of years. I thought that since I never tried to stop him I must be enjoying it so I shouldn’t try to stop him. But I didn’t know if I really was enjoying it because while it was happening I felt numb to everything. I didn’t even smile. He turned on the TV and I just focused really hard on that instead of what he was doing.

But when I watched porn and sex on TV and saw that they looked like they were enjoying it more than I seemed to. I thought there was something wrong with me. Like I was broken. Was I broken? I probably was. 

So I would get these mixed feelings. I wanted him to continue because I thought I was supposed to enjoy it and I thought that I should want sex. I became obsessed with him because of the attention he was giving me. I was an only child and my parents were working really hard to make sure I had food and a bed to sleep on under a roof. So I spent a lot of time by myself or with other family members who were too preoccupied with their own responsibilities.

I also made up a lot of stories to try to get myself out of trouble. But when I tried to tell my mom that he was raping me she didn’t believe me and thought that I initiated the act. So I learned to keep my mouth shut. 

Never tell anyone what’s wrong because they’ll think you’re lying.

I often thought I was adopted because I wasn’t like my family. I didn’t even like them. I often wished I was adopted because I wanted a better family. One who cared enough to listen to my crazy stories. One who will listen to me when I tell them someone is doing something I don’t like. One who would do more to protect me from people who want to use me like a sex doll.

So there it goes. I let my boyfriend read this and we talked about it. It feels a lot lighter on my shoulders now. But this is only the beginning of my healing. I’m going to my first therapy session in like a couple years. Then I’ll work up the courage to tell my parents and we can finally put this behind us.