Disoriented

It’s been a long time since I felt this bewildered. It feels like I’m standing in the middle of a maze and I don’t know which way is the right way out. I don’t know what to do right now. I started 3 different blog post about 3 different events that happened and I can’t complete them for some reason. I can’t get the events out my head and onto the blank page. I tried to take a class on Skillshare but I couldn’t focus on that either. I should probably stop trying so hard.

But I feel like I need to do something. Something productive. Something towards my goals. Something important. I just don’t know what. Maybe I should start making a schedule again. Or maybe I just need to take a day off. But I don’t think I deserve a day off since I’m already neglecting my blog since my family is here and even before they got here. I don’t want to blame them being here but since they came it feels like I’ve been doing something all day every day.

Maybe I just need some time alone. I think that’s exactly what I need. But I can’t. Someone is always home. And I’m so used to be here alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I don’t know how long I can take this.

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I’m Trying

I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.

But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.

I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.

I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.

Trying to explain how I feel

There are stacks of antique TVs with old 80’s and 90’s smash hits music videos playing in my head. But they’re distorted, chopped and screwed. I like it better that way. It makes me feel something. Something is better than the nothing I’ve been feeling all these years. I start reminiscing about the “good old days.” But then I realize they weren’t so good were they? They’re actually filled with endless mistakes and regrets and missed opportunities. And the songs I held so dearly now possess a different meaning. They no longer remind me of the good old days. They remind me of all the things I wish I could have said. Things I could have done instead. And I  have this overwhelming urge to go back and fix my life. But then I realize it’s all in vain. I already know how things will end. And I can’t change that. So I disassociate. And pretend that I don’t feel anything. Feeling nothing is better than feeling this.

Alive v2

I use to say

All I want to be

Is happy

All I want to be

Is free

But now

I see

That was

Naive

Of me

Now I see

I will not

Always be

Happy

Or free

I will continue to fight with my mind

day in and day out I will get few breaks

where I am free to be me but I will forever

be lost to who I even is

But that’s ok

Because I

Will be

Alive

Lost in Darkness

sometimes i feel like

a little girl who

lost her parents and

is now alone in

the dark with no

one to hold her

i put the blame on myself

i always kept my feelings to myself

i should have told you how i really felt

i put the blame on myself

i lost myself in the dark

i put the blame on myself

now i have to feel

around for your hand to

hold and yell at you

to tell you how this

darkness feels in my head

but please don’t

ask questions

don’t

ask why

just try to

understand

this darkness