Lost

to lose a friend so soon

and on such a beautiful day

like the weather mocks our gloom

since we didnt get a say

i scream how unfair it is to the moon

that she was taken away

from a lonely hospital room

 

cant think straight

i havent grieved in so long

i dont know what to do

or what to say

i dont even know who to say it to

can’t sleep

dont want to see her in me dreams

i can still hear her laugh

and see her smile

she had a lively laugh

like thats all she wanted to do

was to laugh with friends

Still In Shock

I learned yesterday that one of the women in our writing group died after surgery. It was such a small simple surgery but she got an infection. And infections from hospitals are a hell of a lot more dangerous since they use antibacterial everything. We weren’t expecting her to pass so suddenly and I’m grateful my friend got the information about her death. I would rather know what happened to her than to wonder forever if she’s well or not. Since we’re not family and we don’t know her family we would have never known.

I was honestly not expecting to cry. And definitely didn’t expect to cry multiple times. I didn’t really know her that well. But I can’t stop seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. She had an interesting laugh. She laughed like that’s all she wanted to do. Laugh with friends. We got in contact with her family and they will have a service for her and were invited to come honor her. I haven’t been to a funeral in so long I don’t even know what to do there. Especially not at a friends funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes.

I’m worried that I might not deserve to be there. I didn’t know her that well and yet I’m crying and I miss her. I’m so not used to this. But then who is? Losing a friend so suddenly. I was going to be with my dad for fathers day but then I got the news. Thankfully he understood I needed to be with my friends. But I still feel guilty. But spending time with them was good. We got to share memories of her and talk about honoring her life. After the service we might go to a beach drink a coke, it was her favorite, and read the writing she shared with us.

I’ve been wishing for a vacation. I’ve been wishing to go to the beach again. But I didn’t want to go like this. I guess I should be careful about what I wish for.