Good Morning

there’s something dramatic about
the first thing I see in the morning

looking up through the blinds
the sky filtering through an ethereal
haze of sleep wondering for a split second
when did I fall asleep last night
what was I just dreaming about
was that even a dream
it definitely was a dream

the dream fades from memory
and I realize I’m staring up at
the sky; lying on my side
through the blinds half open
head twisted almost painfully
to get a glimpse of the
the new day’s sky
with bits of green swirling
around almost like a vortex
wondering what important thing
I’m supposed to be doing and
ways to avoid doing that thing
because it’s not what I want to do

and I’m sucked into the darkness
I feel heavy with — regret?
maybe — no — a numbing anxiety

like when your extremities tingle
when they fall asleep and
you shake them trying to get the
feeling to return but for me
it doesn’t even after I stretch
and plant my feet on the ground
finally after lying here for almost
thirty minutes of pondering
the meaning of life; my life

not having an existential crisis
but just thinking about why
I woke up earlier than usual today
like I have some grand plan
to fix everything I broke

I shrug stretch and yawn out of my
pessimistic mindset to restart
the day with a hot cup of green
tea with jasmine – one of my favorites –
that I counter attacks the depression
that tries to land on my shoulders
that weighs me down every morning
it does this every morning
not today because I’m stronger now

clears throat– I said;
I’m. Stronger. Now.

I’m stronger today
I reverberate back into
the darkness that tries
again and again to land on my
shoulder and I sip my
green with jasmine tea
the go-to drink when
I need to restart my
morning so I can
get things done

I don’t have a plan to fix
everything that I broke
but I have an idea of what
I want to do to heal my
self-inflicted memories;
I thought I buried those
a long time ago;
that began to resurface
disrupting my fragile peace
of mind throwing stones
generating ripples in my
facade for what seems to be
weeks — months — years

I continue to act as though
I was never hurt by anyone
other than myself; it was
no one’s fault but my
own; I am the only one
to blame because I could have
avoided the things that hurt me

but no; I was naive and believe
in the goodness of peoples
hearts and souls but they
proved to be the monsters
that were hidden under
my bed in the shadows
just waiting for my guard
to go down and attack
my heart on my sleeve

I was foolish to believe
But I continued to be

Naive

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But hey, I survived.

I have been around my family for three whole days. I finally some alone time so I can write.

My mom told me Friday night that we were going to Virginia in the morning to help my grandmother and my two aunts to pack up and move to their new apartment. I was reluctant at first to go but I thought the exercise and free food would do me some justice. I did not, however, foresee that the fog would hit me so hard even after all that moving around and eating I’ve been doing. It probably hit so hard because I didn’t get the right amount of sleep. I should be doing yoga because my body feels so tense since I’m sleeping on the couch.

The only alone time I got what when I went to the bathroom. So I just had to suck it up and keep pretending. I definitely didn’t want to tell them about my depression because they’ll just shove bible quotes down my throat and I didn’t feel like hearing that. I hope one day I’ll be able to tell them. I hope I find the courage to do so before I publish a book about what I’m going through.

I kind of got mad at my boyfriend because the one time I tell him I really need him asap he doesn’t text back until five hours later because he’s hanging out with a friend. I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared of being alone. I’ve never had them so intense before so I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell him about the thoughts though. I just told him I was ready to “give up on life.”

But now I’m confused. Am I asking too much from him? Am I being too needy? Am I being selfish? I don’t know but he apologized like a thousand times and promised to be there for me more. But I still don’t know if I should just try to manage without him because I know its unrealistic to expect him to be there 24/7. But he wants to try. So I’ll let him try. Maybe he should come to therapy with me next time so he can learn how to help me manage.

My mom suggested that she and dad come to one of my therapy sessions. While I do think it a good idea the very thought of being interrogated by them in such a small room terrifies me. I don’t know if I can handle it yet. But I know its important that I try talking to them so they can understand how I feel.

The past few days have been so stressful. But at least I’m still alive. Since I survived this I can get through another few days of family gatherings.

I’m Still Trying

I was in a really bad place for the past few days. So bad that I started thinking about suicide. I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I finally feel something other than empty and hopeless. I feel more optimistic than before but I still feel like I won’t be able to do all the things I need to manage my depression.

Eat healthier, get at least 8 hours of sleep, and exercise.

The only thing I’m really worried about is eating healthier. I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. I have a mini panic attack when I even think about going to an interview. So I’m trying to learn how to self-publish. The more I learn the more I realize I have to talk to people. In person. Face to face. That scares me too. I know I can ask my friends for money so I can get food but I feel like I already ask them for too much. And I don’t want to burden my parents anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I can try to change my sleeping habits. I usually put on a documentary and watch that until I fall asleep. It helps sometimes but other times I’m actually interested in the documentary and I want to keep watching. That’s what I get for being so inquisitive.

We also talked about triggers of depression, then the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical symptoms of depression. The Cycle of Depression. For me, my main trigger is my financial stress. Which stems from being unemployed with student loan debts. My next trigger is family stress. Like when my parents keep pushing me to do things when I can’t do basic things like eating right or cleaning up after myself. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because they think they know the answer but they don’t and I don’t know how to tell them they’re wrong without offending them.

Those are the two main triggers I have. The one that affects me almost daily is the financial stress. Because I want to do some much but I can’t because I don’t have any money. And I don’t want to keep asking. Especially when I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay people back. My friends keep telling me I can ask for whatever I need but I still feel like I’m taking advantage of them.

Then I start looking for a job and when I read the requirements I lose hope. Because all the jobs I apply for are looking for “outgoing” “people orientated” applicants and that’s just not me. I could lie but then I would have to pretend and that’s too much work. I’m already pretending almost every day to be more put together than I really am. I can’t possibly pretend to be the “perfect employee.”

There are ways I can earn money online as a creative individual though. Thanks to modern technology. I just have to learn how to use it. And I’m doing that thanks to Skillshare. And YouTube. And Google. I just have to take 30 minutes every single day and learn. Then take another hour or two to apply what I learned.

When I write it down it sounds so easy but I know I’ll struggle to apply myself. I should start with my CBT assignments before I work on my writing projects.

Baby Steps.

I’m Trying

I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.

But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.

I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.

I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.

The Fog Won Today

I finally got up at 1:30 pm to use the bathroom and eat. I even made some tea and cleaned up a little bit. But I still feel heavy. Still tired. I want to go back to sleep. I wanted to get up and do some yoga but The Fog stole my energy. It feels like I have weights on my limbs. It hurts to get up and do things. My knees wobble and my hand’s tremble. My heart beats harder and it feels like I’m dying. My head hurts when I stand too fast.

I’m just a fucking mess today. I want to go out and enjoy the beautiful day but sun hurts my eyes. I’m not sure if I will have the energy to go to writing workshop tonight. Especially after my mom asked me to clean the bathroom which I’m probably not going to do. I don’t even have the energy to work on my poetry or my novel today. But I know if I don’t I’ll regret not doing anything productive. And I know if I don’t clean up my mom would get upset and start yelling about how lazy I am.

I wish she could see the shackles on my limbs wearing me down. I wish she could feel how heavy they are. I wish she could see the fog clouding my vision. But then again I don’t want to wish this on her. Or anyone. While It would be nice if they understood what it felt like I would want anyone to experience depression. It’s a nightmare. And it never ends. Even when I’m feeling good or when something good happens to me I can’t help but wonder how long this good feeling will last.

I don’t know what to do.

I took me 3 hours to write this. 3 hours. And I don’t think I said everything I wanted to say. But I’m too tired to continue.

It wasn’t the Monsters

listen to me

as i tell thee

a story

of how

it came to be

the monsters

in my head

weren’t always there see?

they were planted

and grown

in the garden

i sowed

and i blame myself

for the mess im in

and i blame myself

not the monsters that infest

its my fault 

my head is such a mess

 

What am I doing?

It’s the middle of the week and what have I done? It feels like I haven’t been doing anything. But I know that’s not true. I started working on my first novel and I’m still writing poetry for my collection. I’m reading about writing fantasy and reading fantasy for ideas. So I’m definitely doing things. But why do I feel so unaccomplished? It’s probably because it feels like I haven’t been doing anything at all. Maybe I should write down all the things I have done then count them at the end of the day. I think that will help me feel more accomplished.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping way too much. And it doesn’t help that my doctor told me to stop drinking so much caffeine. But I understand. Drinking too much caffeine messes with your sleep/wake cycle. But I don’t know what else to do in the morning to help me wake up. I take showers but that really only make me want to go back to sleep. I haven’t tried taking a cold shower because I love hot showers way too much. And I don’t want to get sick.

My mom has also been waking me up reminding me of all the things I still haven’t done. So that’s also making me feel unaccomplished. I know that’s not her intention. I know she’s just trying to help but I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her to keep reminding me of everything I’ve yet to do. It just reminds me that I haven’t done anything important. But I don’t want to sound rude. Every time I try to tell her something she thinks I have an attitude or something and that’s just not it. I’m actually trying to get her to see my perspective.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

What’s happening to me?

In a burst of frustration and rage, I threw a stool. My mom woke me up and I was just falling asleep. She doesn’t understand that I haven’t been sleeping well because of my anxiety flairs at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I wanted to tell her that but she was moving too fast and reminding me of all the shit I have to do. Like I don’t know. Like I wasn’t up all night worrying about all that shit. I probably shouldn’t think too much about why I threw it. I can’t help but realize that it’s out of character for me. I’m always frustrated when someone wakes me up. But I’ve never been this angry before.

It reminds me of those times when I was in high school. I would bring home a bad report card and they would scold me. I would get so angry and frustrated because they don’t know and I didn’t know how to tell them just how stressful school was for me. I would start backing away but they kept pressing me they kept yelling at me. I remember one time, in particular, I got so frustrated I almost broke. My parents backed me into a corner, literally and figuratively, and I started screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t control myself I was so scared. I don’t remember how my parents reacted or what happened after that.

My worst fear is to have a psychotic breakdown and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life in an institute. I’ve always been scared of losing control and I feel like I’m losing control. I don’t know what to do.

Quicksand

It feels like I jumped in quicksand and I’m slowly giving up on trying to get myself out of this mess. I still have bursts of motivation to get myself out. But these bursts of random motivation gets shorter and shorter. I give up faster each time. Letting myself to sink further until I’m in danger of suffocating. When I get to that point I usually have someone there to pull me up a little. They never stay long enough to get me out completely. They have other things to do and I don’t want to be too needy. I’m scared of the day I give up and allow myself to drown.