I don’t know how long exactly. All I know is that it’s a new year and I’m not exactly the same person I was. Or so I like to tell myself. I think I changed. But I’m not really sure. I mean, I didn’t really know myself a whole lot before so… It’s hard to measure change I learned a lot about myself… I think…
Depression has been easier to deal with. That much I do know. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in a couple months. I haven’t been to Therapy or CBT in a couple months either. It’s too cold… I don’t like being cold. But I found a schedule I like.
I wake up at around 8-9am and have coffee or tea downstairs and start learning how to freelance. I started learning Web Dev and I really
like love it. Which is why I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been feeling the creative writing energy lately. Or any creative juices for that matter. I guess I needed a creative break.
But I miss writing. I miss expressing myself with words. And I miss connecting with people with my poetry. So I’m going to try and pick it back up. Work The Fog and finally publish it before November.
But right now it’s 12:42am and I’m exhausted. Learning how to code takes a lot of energy out of you…
While everyone else was getting ready for church or work yesterday I slept until noon and woke to an empty house. I felt relieved but also kind of alone. I just can’t wait for the days where I wake up with my boyfriend next to me.
I made some tea and tried to focus on learning Scrivener again but the tutorial in the program wasn’t working out for me. I had to look online for some video tutorials. I found a couple that I really like on Skillshare.
I then tried to focus on actually building my poetry book in Scrivener. I kept jumping around from different elements that go into an ebook and ended up over whelmed again.
So now I’m going to stop; Make a list of elements that go into a published book, do those elements one by one until it’s complete. Once my manuscript is completed all I have to work on is marketing. I have a mini panic attack just thinking of all the people I have to talk to in this phase.
I often find myself wondering why I started writing in the first place. I use to say that I write because I have a story to tell. But now I say that I write to be understood. But I don’t write just for me or just about me. I’m writing for everyone else that feels misunderstood, those who feel lonely but are not alone, and those who are suffering in silence. I’m writing for all of us who are depressed but don’t know how to put it in words or explain to our friends and family.
That’s the only thing that keeps me writing. The only thing that keeps me learning how to self-publish.
I had a dream where I was doing spoken word in a bar, I think. I can’t remember the full poem that I said but the last lines went:
I am one girl
pretending to be many
I have no idea where that came from. I don’t think I read that somewhere. But it’s so true. I often changed my personality to fit in with certain groups of people when I was in high school. I was obsessed with finding my “click.” But no matter how hard I tried I felt like I could never fit in. That was probably depression. Making me feel like I don’t belong anywhere.
This dream got me thinking about making spoken word videos. I’ve been thinking about making a YouTube channel for years now but I keep changing what type of content I want to create. But now since I’m writing a book of poetry I feel like making a channel for spoken word seems to be a great way to build an audience.
If I do make a YouYube channel I would probably also make a Patreon because I’m literally a starving artist. But I will have to learn how to use Patreon and YouTube and together on top of learning how to self-publish and write better poetry. That’s a lot of learning I have to do.
This is probably my anxiety speaking but I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the things I have to learn. And I feel like I’m all alone here. I don’t know how to reach out to other people for help. I feel like I’m trying to do too much at the same time and I don’t know what to focus on first.
I didn’t think this was going to be so difficult. I thought I knew exactly where I wanted every poem to be. But after reading and rereading my poetry I’m not sure anymore. I’m over thinking it, no surprise there. But this is my first collection and I want it to be perfect. I don’t know what story I want to tell or how to start or finish it. I just have a theme. Depression, how it feels, how I deal, and how I try to explain it.
I was thinking about starting from childhood. Poetry about the strong little girl I use to be and how I miss her. But I haven’t written poetry about that nor do I know how. It might come to me after some deep thinking and research. I might have to ask my parents about who I use to be. I was thinking of following that with my rape and how that may have been the beginning of my depression. I feel like I was forced to grow up pretty fast and my childhood hasn’t been the same since it happened. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone and it just kept happening and I kept thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking about it. Trying to ignore it. Trying to erase it from my memories forever. It worked for a while. Until it happened again when I got older. And again with someone I thought could trust.
I feel like I was forced to grow up pretty fast and my childhood hasn’t been the same since it happened. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone and it just kept happening and I kept thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking about it. Trying to ignore it. Trying to erase it from my memories forever. It worked for a while. Until it happened again when I got older. And again with someone I thought could trust.
Then maybe I’ll follow that with the little girl I use to be, imprisoned in the fog. And how I didn’t try to set her free. Because sometimes I feel like I didn’t try hard enough to free myself before it got bad. I feel like I did this to myself. If I had just talked to my parents instead of letting it brew in my head and heard for so long. I would be more successful. Right? I’ll never really know of course.
I think I like this direction. And all I needed was to type it out. I guess now I should write another 15-30 small noticings and try to build poems from those.
Stay tuned for more updates on The Fog!
I am learning so much about self-publishing and I haven’t spent a dime. I’m so proud of myself for making so much progress the past week. It has been a tough few months for me since I lost my job. I stopped going out, stopped applying for jobs, survived basically off tea and junk food. The fog was so heavy I thought it would never let up. But here I sit typing away and enjoying my day.
Since I have surpassed 30 followers on this blog I will be updating you all on my progress of The Fog – A Collection of Poetry About My Depression. I have already posted some of the poetry I’ll put in the collection but of course I won’t post everything. I will be self-publishing it under the pen name Aurea Fae instead of Tentai Furea. It’s a long story. I might tell in in another post. Also, I’ll be publishing this and possible future collections under the Fictitious Business Name A Light in the Dark.
There is still much for me to learn about being a writer and self-published author. But for once in my life, I don’t feel discouraged at this task. I’m actually enjoying the journey.
I use to say
All I want to be
All I want to be
Now I see
I will not
I will continue to fight with my mind
day in and day out I will get few breaks
where I am free to be me but I will forever
be lost to who I even is
But that’s ok
It’s been a while since I set some goals. And I think it’s about time I start trying again. I’ve never been good at it. I always loose track or motivation and give up. But I do have something I want to do with my life. And that is to become a Writer. That means I need to set some goals for myself as a Writer.
I have so many book ideas that I have to get out there. And they keep coming to me in dreams and random sparks of creativity. So I’m taking this as a sign that I was meant to be a Writer. I don’t care about making money from my writing. I just want to tell stories because I know how important they are to readers like me. Stories for me are an escape from the day to day shitstorm called life. Where I can be someone else and go on adventures with people I identify with in beautiful worlds.
I am still rather new to this writing lifestyle and art form. There is much I need to learn besides writing: Marketing, Business, Social Media Management, Self and Traditional Publishing, Communications, Ebook and Paperback Design and Formatting. I think that’s just naming a few. Just thinking about it is a little but overwhelming. If the fog was stronger I definitely would have deleted this post. Good thing it’s still resting.
I have to find a goal system that works for me even when the fog is heavy. Something to keep me motivated to keep writing and learning. I have seen a couple of writers that do quarterly goals and post them on youtube. It works for them because they put themselves in the spotlight and they have to tell all of their viewers and subscribers if they did all their goals, some or none of them. I know that would work for me because I hate disappointing people. But at the same time, I’m too hard on myself when I do disappoint people.
The only other option is to do it for me. And my future readers. I have to do it because I want a better, more fulfilled life for myself. I have to do it to become someones light in the dark, or their escape into a new world. I want to be able to live on my own and be financially free. I want to tell these stories because I know someone out there might need it. I want to connect with like-minded readers and writers. So I won’t feel so alone all the time. So my readers won’t feel so alone all the time.
I’m going to do this for us.
I took a class on Skillshare on how to write poetry and it was very inspiring. So much so that every time I rewatch it, a poem flows from my fingers like water. They come so naturally now I really don’t have to think that hard. I was originally going to write a collection of poetry about finding purpose in my life for my project. But what flowed out of me was poetry about my depression. How it feels and how I try to explain it.
I bought small journal specifically to plan out my book of poems with the notes I took from that Skillshare class. I think this the first time I bought a journal and started using it with a purpose from day one. That’s an achievement. I’m addicted to buying journals. I see a beautiful journal and I have to have it. Anyway, the class told me to write down 15 “small noticings” about my topic and what came out kind of surprised me:
- Some days are easier than others.
- It feels like I have weights on my limbs.
- A fog that refuses to let me appreciate the beauty of life.
- My bed is like a magnet.
- Very rarely I feel like crying but when I do it’s overwhelming and I try too hard “stay strong.”
- I’ve gotten so used to pretending I don’t know how to express my real feelings anymore.
- I may look okay when you see me but most of the time I feel empty inside.
- My smiles are often fake, my laughter is usually hollow
- I hear the same advice and I try to follow it but half the time I’m too tired and the fog wins.
- It’s a mental battle that leaves me physically exhausted.
- Motivation is hard to hold on to. It’s like a butterfly, beautiful but flutters on leaving you behind.
- Sometimes I feel like my depression isn’t valid.
- It steals my energy, my confidence, my motivation. But I will not let it take my creativity or life.
- It took a long time for me to accept myself and believe that I am beautiful and talented. I still have doubts about my talents.
- Sometimes my thoughts scare me.
I have never thought very seriously about suicide but the very thought of suicide scares me. I know I would never do it. I’m too scared but sometimes I feel like one day my thoughts will win and I won’t care anymore. That’s actually my biggest fear. My mind running away taking my sanity with it. I’ve even had quite a few nightmares about that. I can’t imagine putting my loved ones through so much stress.
And sometimes I really do feel like my depression isn’t valid. I have a roof over my head, a bed, friends, family and an amazing boyfriend. And there are starving, dying children, veterans sleeping on the streets, families breaking up. I feel so selfish at times. And I want to help everyone but I never know how. I’m so empathetic it might get me in trouble one day.
I’m just shocked at how honest I was in just 5-10 minutes. I don’t want this post to get too long. So I’m going back to learning how to self-publish.
I started relearning the literary terms for writing. Specifically for writing poetry. I haven’t found a video that’s easy for me to follow. One that doesn’t put me to sleep. I feel like I’m back in school. I hate that. So boring and over complicated. But I have to push myself through it. Or do I? Do I really need to relearn literary tools to be a published poet? That’s something I should do some research on. I’m going to take a break from learning meter and rhythm for now and turn my attention to self-publishing. There’s something I never thought I would be researching in high school. It’s funny how your life changes in a few years.
I’m going to take a break from learning meter and rhythm for now and turn my attention to self-publishing. There’s something I never thought I would be researching after high school. It’s funny how your life changes in a few years. One moment you think you know your direction then life throws loops at you and you’re way off course. You think you want to go this way but you see the road ahead and decide its not for you. You watch someone on their road and you want to follow them. Life can be amazing at times.
Life can be beautiful. The way you change throughout your life is beautiful. Even hardships can be beautiful. Because they build character and flaws. The fact that no one is born perfect but most of us find that someone that thinks we are perfect the way we are, is beautiful. Humans are beautiful. The mind of a human being is beautiful. The way our bodies work without much effort is beautiful. Even the way we adapt to new environments and ways of living is beautiful. I wish everyone can see the beauty inside all of humanity. The world would be a much better place to live if we all accepted that.
I went way off topic… Anyway, I’m going to learn how to self-publish.