I wanted to write something earlier but I had no Idea what I wanted to write. I tried to think up some poetry but I have no idea how I feel. I wanted to read a book but I couldn’t focus on anything today. So I just watched random videos. Scrolled through Tumblr. Watched some anime and played video games. I feel like a failure because I didn’t do anything productive.
I guess it’s this lazy Sunday weather. Too hot to think about doing anything. Too beautiful do spend it alone in the house. But also no money to go anywhere with friends. I’m tired of being broke and lonely. I wish I lived with my boyfriend but I don’t want him to have to pay for everything alone.
I’ve tried to get a job but that’s not working out for me. I’m trying to write and publish a book of poetry but depression and anxiety keep holding me back. Keeping me from writing because it’s painful. Keeping me from learning because it’s overwhelming. Keeping me from trying because it’s too much to think about on my own.
Tomorrow will be a new day. A fresh start. Tomorrow I will be more motivated to write and learn. Tomorrow I will do something other than sulk in the house. Tomorrow I will enjoy the beautiful weather.
Tomorrow I Will!
the girl that’s been locked away is finally free
we run away together scared that the fog will
return sooner than the last time scared that the
fog will return stronger than last time we dance
in the sun together finally free from the chains
we laugh under the sun we laugh and love to be
I appreciate the days without the fog distorting the beauty of the world. I’m always worrying when it’ll come back though. I try not to. But it hangs in the back of my thoughts. I keep it in a small locked box. Sometimes the fog opens it but on these days I’m strong enough to keep locking it and return to my day. I enjoy this strength. This happiness. This beauty. I wish I can keep it going forever. But the fog is only sleeping. It needs its breaks too. This is a constant battle after all.
The trees are a bit greener. The birds sing more beautifully. The sun seeps into my skin and I glow. I smile for real this time. My laugh robust. I share this happiness with others. I walk with purpose. Head high with confidence.
It feels good. I feel good. I will cherish this moment all day.
sometimes i feel like
a little girl who
lost her parents and
is now alone in
the dark with no
one to hold her
i put the blame on myself
i always kept my feelings to myself
i should have told you how i really felt
i put the blame on myself
i lost myself in the dark
i put the blame on myself
now i have to feel
around for your hand to
hold and yell at you
to tell you how this
darkness feels in my head
but please don’t
just try to
So now he thinks I self-diagnosed myself. Great. I can’t believe he doesn’t remember me going to therapy. I’m sure I told him. Or maybe he thought I went just to talk about nothing. I don’t know. Or maybe I thought I told him but I really didn’t. I do that sometimes. I say things to people in my head thinking that I said it out loud.
So I wrote down how it feels for me. I will either read it to him when I feel the time is right, maybe after a couple therapy sessions. Or maybe I’ll just let him read it.
What Depression Feels Like To Me
It’s like a fog or an overcast on a beautiful day. All I want to do is lift that fog so I can enjoy it. Sometimes it lifts and I can but other times it just gets heavier and or thicker. On those days I will either keep trying to lift it but that gets exhausting. Eventually, I will get tired and just pretend that it’s not there. But even that gets exhausting. I’m not always strong enough to lift the fog by myself. I wish I have someone there to lift it for me. And if there isn’t anyone there the fog weighs me down and I end up feeling numb.
Sometimes depression feels like an overcast. Completely out of my control. Something that will come and go. I wait patiently. Numb and empty. Lethargic and apathetic. I just want to go back to sleep and hope when I wake it’ll be over. When I do sleep all day I’ll feel worse. Irritated and angry with myself for procrastinating on everything. Then I get stressed out because of the overwhelming things that I have to do. And I actually want to panic because I just want to feel something that would kick myself into high gear. But half the time nothing happens. I try to distract myself by doing something that might give me joy. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn’t. It really depends on the amount of support I get.
That’s all I have for now. I don’t want this post to get too long and I have some chores I need to do. Also, I forgot to eat. And I’m starving. I’ll continue this later today. Or tomorrow.
things will get better with time
they always say and sometimes
they are correct but when the
sadness lasts for months and
when the anxiety from not being
successful keeps you in bed paralyzed
by fear of trying again and again and
again and still getting nowhere don’t
hate me when i say and believe that
it won’t get better for me
it’s like i have a veil of fog in front of me
obscuring my vision distorting the beauty around me
but i desperately want to see it and enjoy it
but the fog doesn’t go away
I’m irritated. I feel kind of betrayed. But I shouldn’t have expected him to understand my depression. After all, he is the same man that refuses to accept my sexual orientation because he hasn’t seen me pursue women romantically. It was foolish of me to think he would understand. After all, he is the same man that only sees things through his eyes only and refuses to get another opinion.
I don’t want to explain it to him. I know he’s going to find a way to make it about him. I know he’s going to give me the same advice I’ve been getting since I was first diagnosed. The same things that I’ve tried. The same things I gave up on. But in order to keep my sanity while living with him, I must explain it to him eventually.
But where do I even start? I don’t even fully understand it myself. And when do I start? There are so many events that lead up to me going to therapy for the first time and getting diagnosed. And my memory isn’t that great. I’m probably going to have to really rethink some events in my life. And that’s something I’m not sure if I’m prepared for.
I wish I would wake up from this nightmare…
the sound of rain
radiates throughout my brain
explaining was all in vain
my thoughts go down the drain
i had to refrain
in order to stay sane
he will never understand
how i feel firsthand
buried my head in the sand
to scared to take a stand
his anger radiates in demand
for answers i do not command
via Daily Prompt: Radiate
I finally went to the harbor yesterday. I wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea on a weekend after 3 pm but it wasn’t too crowded. As soon as I got there it started drizzling. I had my laptop in my bag so I sat in the Starbucks and waited for it to stop. I enjoy sitting in Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee but I do like the smell of it. And even though the chairs are too hard for me to sit for too long I still find it relaxing.
The rain stopped but the sun still didn’t show itself. So I pulled out my laptop and decided to start a writing prompt. I was starting to get hungry. But I only had a dollar and some change in my bank account. The only thing you can get with that at Starbucks is a bagel. But they were out of bagels… The woman at the register was so nice and gave me a free sandwich. I seriously can’t thank her enough for that. It’s random acts of kindness like this that keeps my hopes up.
The sun eventually came out and I quickly packed up and went out by the water to bask in its rays. For a second I felt like a plant photosynthesizing. It felt good. I finally got the energy (Vitamine D) I’ve been craving. I took some really beautiful photos too.
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It turned out to be a really good day. I should force myself out the house more often.