I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. The fog hasn’t returned and I’m not sad again. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfortable and warm. I’m not sure if I’m sad or not. I’m still waking up so I don’t really know what I am. I was really happy yesterday and my nerves were solid. Except for one mini anxiety attack but it was so small it barely happened.
Spent the whole evening with my boyfriend and his friends. We all went on a car cruise together. It was a beautiful day and they took a lot of pictures with their nice cars. I kind of wish it was just my boyfriend and I. Or at least add another girl to the mix. I felt just a little lonely with him talking about cars with them. The day was so gorgeous I didn’t let it get to me.
Today is still beautiful. But I have to catch up on some writing so I can’t enjoy it like yesterday. Speaking of writing, planning these poems are making me a bit raw. I’m reopening old wounds so I can bleed over the pages of The Fog. My old anxieties and insecurities are resurfacing. I have to fight with these demons so I can banish them forever. But it’s making me kind of numb. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.
I still haven’t gone to therapy or talked to my parents about anything yet. They know I’m writing a book of poetry but they have no Idea what it’s about. I’ve shown my mom some of my poems so she can probably guess what the collection will be about. I’m not sure if I should tell them before or after therapy. I don’t even know where to start.
Look at these marvelous pictures though!
It was a beautiful day without the fog. I continue to live for days like these.
I appreciate the days without the fog distorting the beauty of the world. I’m always worrying when it’ll come back though. I try not to. But it hangs in the back of my thoughts. I keep it in a small locked box. Sometimes the fog opens it but on these days I’m strong enough to keep locking it and return to my day. I enjoy this strength. This happiness. This beauty. I wish I can keep it going forever. But the fog is only sleeping. It needs its breaks too. This is a constant battle after all.
The trees are a bit greener. The birds sing more beautifully. The sun seeps into my skin and I glow. I smile for real this time. My laugh robust. I share this happiness with others. I walk with purpose. Head high with confidence.
It feels good. I feel good. I will cherish this moment all day.
I finally went to the harbor yesterday. I wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea on a weekend after 3 pm but it wasn’t too crowded. As soon as I got there it started drizzling. I had my laptop in my bag so I sat in the Starbucks and waited for it to stop. I enjoy sitting in Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee but I do like the smell of it. And even though the chairs are too hard for me to sit for too long I still find it relaxing.
The rain stopped but the sun still didn’t show itself. So I pulled out my laptop and decided to start a writing prompt. I was starting to get hungry. But I only had a dollar and some change in my bank account. The only thing you can get with that at Starbucks is a bagel. But they were out of bagels… The woman at the register was so nice and gave me a free sandwich. I seriously can’t thank her enough for that. It’s random acts of kindness like this that keeps my hopes up.
The sun eventually came out and I quickly packed up and went out by the water to bask in its rays. For a second I felt like a plant photosynthesizing. It felt good. I finally got the energy (Vitamine D) I’ve been craving. I took some really beautiful photos too.