I’m Still Trying

I was in a really bad place for the past few days. So bad that I started thinking about suicide. I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I finally feel something other than empty and hopeless. I feel more optimistic than before but I still feel like I won’t be able to do all the things I need to manage my depression.

Eat healthier, get at least 8 hours of sleep, and exercise.

The only thing I’m really worried about is eating healthier. I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. I have a mini panic attack when I even think about going to an interview. So I’m trying to learn how to self-publish. The more I learn the more I realize I have to talk to people. In person. Face to face. That scares me too. I know I can ask my friends for money so I can get food but I feel like I already ask them for too much. And I don’t want to burden my parents anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I can try to change my sleeping habits. I usually put on a documentary and watch that until I fall asleep. It helps sometimes but other times I’m actually interested in the documentary and I want to keep watching. That’s what I get for being so inquisitive.

We also talked about triggers of depression, then the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical symptoms of depression. The Cycle of Depression. For me, my main trigger is my financial stress. Which stems from being unemployed with student loan debts. My next trigger is family stress. Like when my parents keep pushing me to do things when I can’t do basic things like eating right or cleaning up after myself. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because they think they know the answer but they don’t and I don’t know how to tell them they’re wrong without offending them.

Those are the two main triggers I have. The one that affects me almost daily is the financial stress. Because I want to do some much but I can’t because I don’t have any money. And I don’t want to keep asking. Especially when I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay people back. My friends keep telling me I can ask for whatever I need but I still feel like I’m taking advantage of them.

Then I start looking for a job and when I read the requirements I lose hope. Because all the jobs I apply for are looking for “outgoing” “people orientated” applicants and that’s just not me. I could lie but then I would have to pretend and that’s too much work. I’m already pretending almost every day to be more put together than I really am. I can’t possibly pretend to be the “perfect employee.”

There are ways I can earn money online as a creative individual though. Thanks to modern technology. I just have to learn how to use it. And I’m doing that thanks to Skillshare. And YouTube. And Google. I just have to take 30 minutes every single day and learn. Then take another hour or two to apply what I learned.

When I write it down it sounds so easy but I know I’ll struggle to apply myself. I should start with my CBT assignments before I work on my writing projects.

Baby Steps.

Too tired to fake it today

I usually try to put on a smile and go about my day. Forcing myself to have some kind of feeling. Something other than cold and irritated. But the sun had abandoned me today. And the overcast has returned. I normally like these cloudy days. They inspire me to write or read. But today I really needed the sun for energy. I got used to its presence but I missed the opportunity to go out any enjoy the day. I thought the sun was going to continue shining today so I planned to go to the harbor. But now I don’t feel like doing anything. I want to lay back in bed. Curl up and go back to sleep. But I know that won’t do me any good. Maybe I’ll take another shower and go for a walk.

Baby Steps.

Beautiful Day. But still, a cloud hangs over me.

The Sun finally shows itself after days of overcast and scattered storms. It’s finally warm and beautiful. I should have woken up energized but instead, I woke up drained before I even did anything. I didn’t even get out of bed until noon. And that was only because my dad called and asked for me to bring him something from his room down to his idle car.

I took a shower hoping to wash some of this mood off. It manifests with the steam instead of going down the drain like I hoped. I continue to straighten up after getting dressed just so I don’t collapse in the bed like I usually do on these days. Today, perhaps because of the sun, I actually feel stimulated enough to do more things around the house. Like cleaning the stinky fridge. And vacuuming the living room. And actually folding the clothes I washed yesterday.

Yeah. Maybe I’ll do just that.

Baby steps.