I was originally going to write poetry about my struggle with depression. But the more I think about it, the more I want to include poetry from other depressed creatives. Because I recognized that I’m not the only one who suffers daily.
I realize that I have a burning desire to help people. So the logical thing to do is recruit people who live with depression and are willing to share their story with the world and publish a journal, magazine, books about what depression is really like.
The more I open up about it the more I realize that there is a lot of misinformation and stigma surrounding depression. And I want to do everything I can to dismiss those myths and give voice to those who suffer alone.
I don’t exactly know what I’m going to do. I could ask 5 poets to write or submit 2 poems about living with depression. Or I could ask 10 writers to submit or write a journal entry documenting their day and publish that as a book. Or I could start a magazine where I break down what depression is and how to manage with or without drugs.
But for now I’m still organizing the 40+ poems I wrote for The Fog and I’m going to publish those as a zine/chapbook.
I have been thinking long and hard about the first novel I want to write. And I have come to the conclusion that I should write the first story I dreamed about In high school and publish it first. I’m still going to write the poetry collection and I’m halfway done with that. I’ve learned that the best thing a writer should do is write as many books as possible when first starting out. Thankfully for me, I have a lot of story ideas. Five to be exact. And I’m sure I will have more to come.
I was originally going to write and publish a time travel novel but a gothic fantasy seems more fun to write. There doesn’t seem to be any diversity in the gothic novel scene at least from what I’ve read in the past. I want to change that. I want to have my main character be an African American gothic lolita who’s in a one-sided “love triangle” between another African American goth girl and a goth guy. I don’t know what ethnicity I want to make the guy but he’s definitely not going to be white. Hell, he might not even be cis.
I already know who my main character is. Her name is Ivy Song. She’s an introverted bookworm who loves to collect relics and is ambitious when pursuing her career and academic goals. She reads poetry, mysteries and fantasy novels first thing in the morning and right before bed. Due to her studies to become an Apothecary she has a huge garden filled with herbs, fruits, and flowers she tends to every day. Her house is scattered with books on spells, potions and other magical things but she keeps the most dangerous books locked up in a hidden room.
She is very stubborn and headstrong. She doesn’t like being told what to do with her life and definitely does not want to be the damsel in distress. However, she does get herself in sticky situations because she is somewhat naive to how people really are. Therefore, she usually finds herself getting saved which she hates because she know she is more than capable of handling the situation herself. People often underestimate how powerful she is because of the way she looks. Her main goal in life is to own her very own magical shop where she hand makes every product herself.
I have an idea for the world she lives in. It’s going to be an alternate earth where people have very close relationships with their Gods and Goddesses so that they are granted magical powers. For years people have been using their powers for good since they are given to them from a divine source. There are few people who use their magic for evil but when they do it’s usually because of the Goddess of Chaos interfering and tainting the power from the other God’s and Goddesses.
I don’t know how many Deities there are or what kind of magic they govern but I know I want to base them off some African Deities. I definitely want elemental magic but I’m not sure if I want one Deity to control all the elemental magic or if I should have multiple Deities that control one element but work together to keep everything balanced.
Well anyway, that’s all I came up with. Well, that’s not everything but I don’t want to spoil too much. I’m going to work on it some more tonight and post an update maybe tomorrow or Thursday. I can’t wait to share this story with the world!
I didn’t think this was going to be so difficult. I thought I knew exactly where I wanted every poem to be. But after reading and rereading my poetry I’m not sure anymore. I’m over thinking it, no surprise there. But this is my first collection and I want it to be perfect. I don’t know what story I want to tell or how to start or finish it. I just have a theme. Depression, how it feels, how I deal, and how I try to explain it.
I was thinking about starting from childhood. Poetry about the strong little girl I use to be and how I miss her. But I haven’t written poetry about that nor do I know how. It might come to me after some deep thinking and research. I might have to ask my parents about who I use to be. I was thinking of following that with my rape and how that may have been the beginning of my depression. I feel like I was forced to grow up pretty fast and my childhood hasn’t been the same since it happened. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone and it just kept happening and I kept thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking about it. Trying to ignore it. Trying to erase it from my memories forever. It worked for a while. Until it happened again when I got older. And again with someone I thought could trust.
I feel like I was forced to grow up pretty fast and my childhood hasn’t been the same since it happened. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone and it just kept happening and I kept thinking about it. Then I stopped thinking about it. Trying to ignore it. Trying to erase it from my memories forever. It worked for a while. Until it happened again when I got older. And again with someone I thought could trust.
Then maybe I’ll follow that with the little girl I use to be, imprisoned in the fog. And how I didn’t try to set her free. Because sometimes I feel like I didn’t try hard enough to free myself before it got bad. I feel like I did this to myself. If I had just talked to my parents instead of letting it brew in my head and heard for so long. I would be more successful. Right? I’ll never really know of course.
I think I like this direction. And all I needed was to type it out. I guess now I should write another 15-30 small noticings and try to build poems from those.
Stay tuned for more updates on The Fog!