my sun

there is an absence of light
without you here
i am bathed in perpetual
darkness until you return
but you rarely come
just when im about to give
up on seeing your rays
you pop back into my life
blinding me for a split second
but my eyes always adjust
it takes awhile, but they do
i melt in your arms
i soak up your light
feasting like a starved plant

 

i wrote this poem 3 weeks ago but ive been so drained of energy that i haven’t posted it anywhere until today

Good Morning

there’s something dramatic about
the first thing I see in the morning

looking up through the blinds
the sky filtering through an ethereal
haze of sleep wondering for a split second
when did I fall asleep last night
what was I just dreaming about
was that even a dream
it definitely was a dream

the dream fades from memory
and I realize I’m staring up at
the sky; lying on my side
through the blinds half open
head twisted almost painfully
to get a glimpse of the
the new day’s sky
with bits of green swirling
around almost like a vortex
wondering what important thing
I’m supposed to be doing and
ways to avoid doing that thing
because it’s not what I want to do

and I’m sucked into the darkness
I feel heavy with — regret?
maybe — no — a numbing anxiety

like when your extremities tingle
when they fall asleep and
you shake them trying to get the
feeling to return but for me
it doesn’t even after I stretch
and plant my feet on the ground
finally after lying here for almost
thirty minutes of pondering
the meaning of life; my life

not having an existential crisis
but just thinking about why
I woke up earlier than usual today
like I have some grand plan
to fix everything I broke

I shrug stretch and yawn out of my
pessimistic mindset to restart
the day with a hot cup of green
tea with jasmine – one of my favorites –
that I counter attacks the depression
that tries to land on my shoulders
that weighs me down every morning
it does this every morning
not today because I’m stronger now

clears throat– I said;
I’m. Stronger. Now.

I’m stronger today
I reverberate back into
the darkness that tries
again and again to land on my
shoulder and I sip my
green with jasmine tea
the go-to drink when
I need to restart my
morning so I can
get things done

I don’t have a plan to fix
everything that I broke
but I have an idea of what
I want to do to heal my
self-inflicted memories;
I thought I buried those
a long time ago;
that began to resurface
disrupting my fragile peace
of mind throwing stones
generating ripples in my
facade for what seems to be
weeks — months — years

I continue to act as though
I was never hurt by anyone
other than myself; it was
no one’s fault but my
own; I am the only one
to blame because I could have
avoided the things that hurt me

but no; I was naive and believe
in the goodness of peoples
hearts and souls but they
proved to be the monsters
that were hidden under
my bed in the shadows
just waiting for my guard
to go down and attack
my heart on my sleeve

I was foolish to believe
But I continued to be

Naive

Fog Prologue

not a cloud in sight
my eyes quiver in the sunlight
my limbs stay frozen try as I might

overcast blocks the sun rays
I need to survive today’s
murky waters as I graze
the world a perpetual haze

the birds sing a delightful tune
still — I lie here swoon
wishing for the moon to prune
the garden in which I loom
my feet find ground in the afternoon

the fog obscures my vision
it cloaks me devouring my ambition
despite my opposition
I’m not in the position
to be my own physician

I suffer alone in my garden overgrown

Savor

the way you look up at me lying in my lap

     that smile you give when our eyes meet

     the way you grab my hand and kiss it softly

     and place it atop your head

     then you close your eyes

     that smile

     melts a little bit with each breath

     as my fingers dance in your hair

     while you savor every step

     to the rhythm of your soft breath

     your head getting heavier as

     you drift to sleep still lying in my lap

 

via Daily Prompt: Savor

Quill

i wanted to be real

so i picked up the quill

and swallowed the pill

 

dreams become reality

reality becomes dreams

everything it not what it seems

 

endless chatter in my head

some of them wishing i were dead

but i keep writing with the quill

 

pouring my thoughts on the page

they splash full of rage

towards myself

 

but i keep writing with the quill

stabbing myself with memories

i bleed words of regret

 

i got rain on repeat on my brain

i never stops

so i let it soak me and my thoughts

 

quill runs dry

but my story is just getting started

yet i finish the first book

 

and breath

 

via Daily Prompt: Quill

The Fog – An Update

I was originally going to write poetry about my struggle with depression. But the more I think about it, the more I want to include poetry from other depressed creatives. Because I recognized that I’m not the only one who suffers daily.

I realize that I have a burning desire to help people. So the logical thing to do is recruit people who live with depression and are willing to share their story with the world and publish a journal, magazine, books about what depression is really like.

The more I open up about it the more I realize that there is a lot of misinformation and stigma surrounding depression. And I want to do everything I can to dismiss those myths and give voice to those who suffer alone.

I don’t exactly know what I’m going to do. I could ask 5 poets to write or submit 2 poems about living with depression. Or I could ask 10 writers to submit or write a journal entry documenting their day and publish that as a book. Or I could start a magazine where I break down what depression is and how to manage with or without drugs.

But for now I’m still organizing the 40+ poems I wrote for The Fog and I’m going to publish those as a zine/chapbook.

Pluck

 

of all the flowers, you plucked me

with my dying petals

and my dried up roots

and my fading colors

you plucked and replanted me in your garden

careful not to let my roots crumble to dust

collecting my fallen petals

watering me daily so my color returns

you plucked me from darkness

and showered me in your light

where shine almost as bright as you

but i still wonder why you chose me

 

via Daily Prompt: Pluck

Loop

see me struggle
to get out of bed
see the chains
weighing me down
hear the thoughts in my head
wishing I were dead
see my sanity hang by a thread
making it feel like I’m dying
see the clouds in my dreams
foretelling the gloom I feel
see my fake smile I give
so you don’t have to worry about me
hear my empty laugh
to convince you I’m alright
see how tired I am
to pretend all the time
hear me try to explain
why I’m not okay
just listen
don’t nag
that only makes me feel worse
don’t make me loop back
giving you the same fake smile
giving you the same fake laugh
because you didn’t understand
and I fear you’ll never understand
see the struggle
see the chains
hear the thoughts
see my sanity hang by a thread
see the clouds in my dreams
see my fake smile
hear my empty laugh
see how tired I am
let me try to explain
don’t belittle
don’t insult
don’t treat me like a
spoiled lazy child
just try to understand
how I feel inside
give me time and space
to come around
and when I do
don’t assume the fight is over
it just means I won today
but I can’t say for tomorrow
this strength doesn’t last forever
this loop is inevitable
I’m bound to feel it again
there’s not much I or you
can do about it
just understand
just let me try to explain
just give me time and space
to come around
see the struggle and understand it
see the chains and try to lift them
hear the thoughts and shield me
help me come around
don’t hate me when I’m down
understand the loop

via Daily Prompt: Loop