Energy

It has been so incredibly difficult to find the energy to write and learn on Skillshare. I’m so tired of feeling stuck. Like time is speeding up around me. I don’t even know why I feel so tired. I feel like all I’ve been doing is just sitting in a haze. I should probably stop drinking so much caffeine. I know the more you drink the less it works. But it’s embedded in my morning wake up routine. It’ll take a lot of energy to find another routine that works.

I still haven’t been waking up before 12 pm like I wanted to. That’s something I really need to start doing again. And yoga.

I don’t even feel like writing. I really just want to go back to sleep. Or play the Sims or WoW. I can’t focus long enough to write more than three lines of poetry. I don’t know if I’m blocked or if I’m just tired. But I desperately need to get out of this hole. I need to start writing more poetry. I need to prepare myself to do spoken word. Because I need to start taking care of myself. I have got to move out and get my own place. I can’t keep putting my student loans on hold either. I’ll eventually have to pay those back.

I don’t know what I want to do right now and it’s so frustrating. Because there are a million and one things I should be doing.

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Disoriented

It’s been a long time since I felt this bewildered. It feels like I’m standing in the middle of a maze and I don’t know which way is the right way out. I don’t know what to do right now. I started 3 different blog post about 3 different events that happened and I can’t complete them for some reason. I can’t get the events out my head and onto the blank page. I tried to take a class on Skillshare but I couldn’t focus on that either. I should probably stop trying so hard.

But I feel like I need to do something. Something productive. Something towards my goals. Something important. I just don’t know what. Maybe I should start making a schedule again. Or maybe I just need to take a day off. But I don’t think I deserve a day off since I’m already neglecting my blog since my family is here and even before they got here. I don’t want to blame them being here but since they came it feels like I’ve been doing something all day every day.

Maybe I just need some time alone. I think that’s exactly what I need. But I can’t. Someone is always home. And I’m so used to be here alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I don’t know how long I can take this.

I’m Still Trying

I was in a really bad place for the past few days. So bad that I started thinking about suicide. I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I finally feel something other than empty and hopeless. I feel more optimistic than before but I still feel like I won’t be able to do all the things I need to manage my depression.

Eat healthier, get at least 8 hours of sleep, and exercise.

The only thing I’m really worried about is eating healthier. I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. I have a mini panic attack when I even think about going to an interview. So I’m trying to learn how to self-publish. The more I learn the more I realize I have to talk to people. In person. Face to face. That scares me too. I know I can ask my friends for money so I can get food but I feel like I already ask them for too much. And I don’t want to burden my parents anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I can try to change my sleeping habits. I usually put on a documentary and watch that until I fall asleep. It helps sometimes but other times I’m actually interested in the documentary and I want to keep watching. That’s what I get for being so inquisitive.

We also talked about triggers of depression, then the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical symptoms of depression. The Cycle of Depression. For me, my main trigger is my financial stress. Which stems from being unemployed with student loan debts. My next trigger is family stress. Like when my parents keep pushing me to do things when I can’t do basic things like eating right or cleaning up after myself. It’s hard to talk to them sometimes because they think they know the answer but they don’t and I don’t know how to tell them they’re wrong without offending them.

Those are the two main triggers I have. The one that affects me almost daily is the financial stress. Because I want to do some much but I can’t because I don’t have any money. And I don’t want to keep asking. Especially when I don’t know if I’ll be able to pay people back. My friends keep telling me I can ask for whatever I need but I still feel like I’m taking advantage of them.

Then I start looking for a job and when I read the requirements I lose hope. Because all the jobs I apply for are looking for “outgoing” “people orientated” applicants and that’s just not me. I could lie but then I would have to pretend and that’s too much work. I’m already pretending almost every day to be more put together than I really am. I can’t possibly pretend to be the “perfect employee.”

There are ways I can earn money online as a creative individual though. Thanks to modern technology. I just have to learn how to use it. And I’m doing that thanks to Skillshare. And YouTube. And Google. I just have to take 30 minutes every single day and learn. Then take another hour or two to apply what I learned.

When I write it down it sounds so easy but I know I’ll struggle to apply myself. I should start with my CBT assignments before I work on my writing projects.

Baby Steps.

I’m Trying

I forgot what I was doing all this for. Writing poetry and blogging. I forgot why I started. Or perhaps I just didn’t have an initial reason. This is definitely the depression talking but I feel like giving up. Trying to explain now I feel to someone who doesn’t live inside my head is just too exhausting. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. Because when I do my parents still don’t understand and ask too much from me. I’m tired of working up the nerve and courage to keep trying to explain and not going anywhere.

But depression is so important to understand. And I can’t give up in trying to explain it. My life and the lives of millions of people are at stake. And depression is so misunderstood. I have to keep trying to get people to see what it really is and help them help those who need it.

I feel so stuck. Like I’m sinking further into quicksand and I’m not even trying to get out of it. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to flip out, throw things and scream. But I’m scared of losing control and hurting myself or someone else. And I don’t want to be sent off to a mental institute because I’m a danger to myself and others. But I don’t know what else to do right now. I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain.

I feel like everything I’ve been working towards since I started this blog and since I started learning self-publishing is going down the drain. Because for the past few days I haven’t had the energy to get up and take care of myself let alone write something. And no one understands how hard it was for me to get up and do things. But I started going to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yesterday and I’m learning how to manage it as well as learning how to talk about it. Hopefully, I’ll won’t miss any appointments.

The Fog Won Today

I finally got up at 1:30 pm to use the bathroom and eat. I even made some tea and cleaned up a little bit. But I still feel heavy. Still tired. I want to go back to sleep. I wanted to get up and do some yoga but The Fog stole my energy. It feels like I have weights on my limbs. It hurts to get up and do things. My knees wobble and my hand’s tremble. My heart beats harder and it feels like I’m dying. My head hurts when I stand too fast.

I’m just a fucking mess today. I want to go out and enjoy the beautiful day but sun hurts my eyes. I’m not sure if I will have the energy to go to writing workshop tonight. Especially after my mom asked me to clean the bathroom which I’m probably not going to do. I don’t even have the energy to work on my poetry or my novel today. But I know if I don’t I’ll regret not doing anything productive. And I know if I don’t clean up my mom would get upset and start yelling about how lazy I am.

I wish she could see the shackles on my limbs wearing me down. I wish she could feel how heavy they are. I wish she could see the fog clouding my vision. But then again I don’t want to wish this on her. Or anyone. While It would be nice if they understood what it felt like I would want anyone to experience depression. It’s a nightmare. And it never ends. Even when I’m feeling good or when something good happens to me I can’t help but wonder how long this good feeling will last.

I don’t know what to do.

I took me 3 hours to write this. 3 hours. And I don’t think I said everything I wanted to say. But I’m too tired to continue.

What am I doing?

It’s the middle of the week and what have I done? It feels like I haven’t been doing anything. But I know that’s not true. I started working on my first novel and I’m still writing poetry for my collection. I’m reading about writing fantasy and reading fantasy for ideas. So I’m definitely doing things. But why do I feel so unaccomplished? It’s probably because it feels like I haven’t been doing anything at all. Maybe I should write down all the things I have done then count them at the end of the day. I think that will help me feel more accomplished.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping way too much. And it doesn’t help that my doctor told me to stop drinking so much caffeine. But I understand. Drinking too much caffeine messes with your sleep/wake cycle. But I don’t know what else to do in the morning to help me wake up. I take showers but that really only make me want to go back to sleep. I haven’t tried taking a cold shower because I love hot showers way too much. And I don’t want to get sick.

My mom has also been waking me up reminding me of all the things I still haven’t done. So that’s also making me feel unaccomplished. I know that’s not her intention. I know she’s just trying to help but I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her to keep reminding me of everything I’ve yet to do. It just reminds me that I haven’t done anything important. But I don’t want to sound rude. Every time I try to tell her something she thinks I have an attitude or something and that’s just not it. I’m actually trying to get her to see my perspective.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

What’s happening to me?

In a burst of frustration and rage, I threw a stool. My mom woke me up and I was just falling asleep. She doesn’t understand that I haven’t been sleeping well because of my anxiety flairs at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I wanted to tell her that but she was moving too fast and reminding me of all the shit I have to do. Like I don’t know. Like I wasn’t up all night worrying about all that shit. I probably shouldn’t think too much about why I threw it. I can’t help but realize that it’s out of character for me. I’m always frustrated when someone wakes me up. But I’ve never been this angry before.

It reminds me of those times when I was in high school. I would bring home a bad report card and they would scold me. I would get so angry and frustrated because they don’t know and I didn’t know how to tell them just how stressful school was for me. I would start backing away but they kept pressing me they kept yelling at me. I remember one time, in particular, I got so frustrated I almost broke. My parents backed me into a corner, literally and figuratively, and I started screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t control myself I was so scared. I don’t remember how my parents reacted or what happened after that.

My worst fear is to have a psychotic breakdown and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life in an institute. I’ve always been scared of losing control and I feel like I’m losing control. I don’t know what to do.

Still In Shock

I learned yesterday that one of the women in our writing group died after surgery. It was such a small simple surgery but she got an infection. And infections from hospitals are a hell of a lot more dangerous since they use antibacterial everything. We weren’t expecting her to pass so suddenly and I’m grateful my friend got the information about her death. I would rather know what happened to her than to wonder forever if she’s well or not. Since we’re not family and we don’t know her family we would have never known.

I was honestly not expecting to cry. And definitely didn’t expect to cry multiple times. I didn’t really know her that well. But I can’t stop seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. She had an interesting laugh. She laughed like that’s all she wanted to do. Laugh with friends. We got in contact with her family and they will have a service for her and were invited to come honor her. I haven’t been to a funeral in so long I don’t even know what to do there. Especially not at a friends funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes.

I’m worried that I might not deserve to be there. I didn’t know her that well and yet I’m crying and I miss her. I’m so not used to this. But then who is? Losing a friend so suddenly. I was going to be with my dad for fathers day but then I got the news. Thankfully he understood I needed to be with my friends. But I still feel guilty. But spending time with them was good. We got to share memories of her and talk about honoring her life. After the service we might go to a beach drink a coke, it was her favorite, and read the writing she shared with us.

I’ve been wishing for a vacation. I’ve been wishing to go to the beach again. But I didn’t want to go like this. I guess I should be careful about what I wish for.

Quicksand

It feels like I jumped in quicksand and I’m slowly giving up on trying to get myself out of this mess. I still have bursts of motivation to get myself out. But these bursts of random motivation gets shorter and shorter. I give up faster each time. Letting myself to sink further until I’m in danger of suffocating. When I get to that point I usually have someone there to pull me up a little. They never stay long enough to get me out completely. They have other things to do and I don’t want to be too needy. I’m scared of the day I give up and allow myself to drown.