It’s Time I Changed My Life

The other night I had a dream about an ostrich chasing my boyfriend I while we were at school. It was really weird and random so I had to look up the meaning. Yes, I’m one of those people who wants to know what secrets my dreams hold. I do not think all dreams are totally random. I don’t know who gives you your dreams, could be a Goddess/God or Mr. Sandman, but they give them for a reason most of the time.

“If you see an ostrich running, it means that you have a sense of purpose in life in order to fulfill your plans.” – Globe Views

This dream couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I made a resolution to myself a few days ago that I will get my own place, specifically a tiny house, very soon and work on my writing and art while I do so. I’ve been slacking on this for far too long. It’s time I put a plan together. I can no longer live like this.

The other day I went to my cousins High School Graduation and the speakers there gave me a burst of inspiration and motivation to do just that. There was a preacher there that talked about “What you see is what you get.” However he wasn’t talking about seeing with your eyes, he was talking about seeing with your heart and passion. It changed my perspective completely.

Last night I went to the Women in the Art’s Freash Talk for Change event and I had a powerful moment that lit a torch in my soul to work even harder for my goals. I even got to talk with Ashley A. Woods, the artist, and creator of Niobe: She Is Life!!!

I had an amazing experience at the Fresh Talk for Change at the Women in the Arts museum. I had to talk to Ashley Woods because I really felt connected to her. I feel like I know her from somewhere. But anyway, in her talk she touched briefly about being depressed and suicidal while broke and jobless. Which is where I am right now.

I’m not suicidal but I’m scared that I might be going that direction. I’m at that crossroads where my parents want me to go one way but I want to go a different way. And I’m stuck. Unsure of which way is the right way. I feel in my heart and soul that going the artistic and writing route then I will be happy with my success. But if I go my parent’s route I’ll be miserable and I’ll keep putting my artistic goals on the back burner.

I actually broke down in tears when I went up to her. That was probably the free drinks I had. Three, to be exact. I’m so embarrassed for that but she was so kind and sat with me as a cried and rant about where I am in life. I’m so honored for her time and compassion.

The Fog whispers in the back of my head asking me if I really deserve her attention. 

The fact that she even said she would help me in any way she can is incredibly uplifting. But I don’t even know where to begin to ask for help in. There’s so much I have to do and I feel like theyre all equally important.

Writing and Editing, Marketing, Self-Publishing, and so much more. They all seem so important and I’m trying to do learn all at once. Obviously, that’s too overwhelming for me. That will be the first thing I ask her. “Where do I even start?” And “how do I create a plan that I know I will stick to?” Because I’ve never been constant with making and sticking with plans.

I finally feel like things will get better for me. I finally have that fire in my belly to stay constant with my goals. I finally feel like I’m winning the battle between me and The Fog.

Beautiful Days Without The Fog

I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. The fog hasn’t returned and I’m not sad again. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfortable and warm. I’m not sure if I’m sad or not. I’m still waking up so I don’t really know what I am. I was really happy yesterday and my nerves were solid. Except for one mini anxiety attack but it was so small it barely happened.

Spent the whole evening with my boyfriend and his friends. We all went on a car cruise together. It was a beautiful day and they took a lot of pictures with their nice cars. I kind of wish it was just my boyfriend and I. Or at least add another girl to the mix. I felt just a little lonely with him talking about cars with them. The day was so gorgeous I didn’t let it get to me.

Today is still beautiful. But I have to catch up on some writing so I can’t enjoy it like yesterday. Speaking of writing, planning these poems are making me a bit raw. I’m reopening old wounds so I can bleed over the pages of The Fog. My old anxieties and insecurities are resurfacing. I have to fight with these demons so I can banish them forever. But it’s making me kind of numb. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

I still haven’t gone to therapy or talked to my parents about anything yet. They know I’m writing a book of poetry but they have no Idea what it’s about. I’ve shown my mom some of my poems so she can probably guess what the collection will be about. I’m not sure if I should tell them before or after therapy. I don’t even know where to start.

Look at these marvelous pictures though!

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Small Pond
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Clear Creek
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Grass and Creek

It was a beautiful day without the fog. I continue to live for days like these.

The Fog Sleeps

I appreciate the days without the fog distorting the beauty of the world. I’m always worrying when it’ll come back though. I try not to. But it hangs in the back of my thoughts. I keep it in a small locked box. Sometimes the fog opens it but on these days I’m strong enough to keep locking it and return to my day. I enjoy this strength. This happiness. This beauty. I wish I can keep it going forever. But the fog is only sleeping. It needs its breaks too. This is a constant battle after all.

The trees are a bit greener. The birds sing more beautifully. The sun seeps into my skin and I glow. I smile for real this time. My laugh robust. I share this happiness with others. I walk with purpose. Head high with confidence.

It feels good. I feel good. I will cherish this moment all day.

It Was a Good Day

I finally went to the harbor yesterday. I wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea on a weekend after 3 pm but it wasn’t too crowded. As soon as I got there it started drizzling. I had my laptop in my bag so I sat in the Starbucks and waited for it to stop. I enjoy sitting in Starbucks. I don’t drink coffee but I do like the smell of it. And even though the chairs are too hard for me to sit for too long I still find it relaxing.

The rain stopped but the sun still didn’t show itself. So I pulled out my laptop and decided to start a writing prompt. I was starting to get hungry. But I only had a dollar and some change in my bank account. The only thing you can get with that at Starbucks is a bagel. But they were out of bagels… The woman at the register was so nice and gave me a free sandwich. I seriously can’t thank her enough for that. It’s random acts of kindness like this that keeps my hopes up.

The sun eventually came out and I quickly packed up and went out by the water to bask in its rays. For a second I felt like a plant photosynthesizing. It felt good. I finally got the energy (Vitamine D) I’ve been craving. I took some really beautiful photos too.

It turned out to be a really good day. I should force myself out the house more often.