my sun

there is an absence of light
without you here
i am bathed in perpetual
darkness until you return
but you rarely come
just when im about to give
up on seeing your rays
you pop back into my life
blinding me for a split second
but my eyes always adjust
it takes awhile, but they do
i melt in your arms
i soak up your light
feasting like a starved plant

 

i wrote this poem 3 weeks ago but ive been so drained of energy that i haven’t posted it anywhere until today

Energy

It has been so incredibly difficult to find the energy to write and learn on Skillshare. I’m so tired of feeling stuck. Like time is speeding up around me. I don’t even know why I feel so tired. I feel like all I’ve been doing is just sitting in a haze. I should probably stop drinking so much caffeine. I know the more you drink the less it works. But it’s embedded in my morning wake up routine. It’ll take a lot of energy to find another routine that works.

I still haven’t been waking up before 12 pm like I wanted to. That’s something I really need to start doing again. And yoga.

I don’t even feel like writing. I really just want to go back to sleep. Or play the Sims or WoW. I can’t focus long enough to write more than three lines of poetry. I don’t know if I’m blocked or if I’m just tired. But I desperately need to get out of this hole. I need to start writing more poetry. I need to prepare myself to do spoken word. Because I need to start taking care of myself. I have got to move out and get my own place. I can’t keep putting my student loans on hold either. I’ll eventually have to pay those back.

I don’t know what I want to do right now and it’s so frustrating. Because there are a million and one things I should be doing.

Good Morning

there’s something dramatic about
the first thing I see in the morning

looking up through the blinds
the sky filtering through an ethereal
haze of sleep wondering for a split second
when did I fall asleep last night
what was I just dreaming about
was that even a dream
it definitely was a dream

the dream fades from memory
and I realize I’m staring up at
the sky; lying on my side
through the blinds half open
head twisted almost painfully
to get a glimpse of the
the new day’s sky
with bits of green swirling
around almost like a vortex
wondering what important thing
I’m supposed to be doing and
ways to avoid doing that thing
because it’s not what I want to do

and I’m sucked into the darkness
I feel heavy with — regret?
maybe — no — a numbing anxiety

like when your extremities tingle
when they fall asleep and
you shake them trying to get the
feeling to return but for me
it doesn’t even after I stretch
and plant my feet on the ground
finally after lying here for almost
thirty minutes of pondering
the meaning of life; my life

not having an existential crisis
but just thinking about why
I woke up earlier than usual today
like I have some grand plan
to fix everything I broke

I shrug stretch and yawn out of my
pessimistic mindset to restart
the day with a hot cup of green
tea with jasmine – one of my favorites –
that I counter attacks the depression
that tries to land on my shoulders
that weighs me down every morning
it does this every morning
not today because I’m stronger now

clears throat– I said;
I’m. Stronger. Now.

I’m stronger today
I reverberate back into
the darkness that tries
again and again to land on my
shoulder and I sip my
green with jasmine tea
the go-to drink when
I need to restart my
morning so I can
get things done

I don’t have a plan to fix
everything that I broke
but I have an idea of what
I want to do to heal my
self-inflicted memories;
I thought I buried those
a long time ago;
that began to resurface
disrupting my fragile peace
of mind throwing stones
generating ripples in my
facade for what seems to be
weeks — months — years

I continue to act as though
I was never hurt by anyone
other than myself; it was
no one’s fault but my
own; I am the only one
to blame because I could have
avoided the things that hurt me

but no; I was naive and believe
in the goodness of peoples
hearts and souls but they
proved to be the monsters
that were hidden under
my bed in the shadows
just waiting for my guard
to go down and attack
my heart on my sleeve

I was foolish to believe
But I continued to be

Naive

Fog Prologue

not a cloud in sight
my eyes quiver in the sunlight
my limbs stay frozen try as I might

overcast blocks the sun rays
I need to survive today’s
murky waters as I graze
the world a perpetual haze

the birds sing a delightful tune
still — I lie here swoon
wishing for the moon to prune
the garden in which I loom
my feet find ground in the afternoon

the fog obscures my vision
it cloaks me devouring my ambition
despite my opposition
I’m not in the position
to be my own physician

I suffer alone in my garden overgrown

Still Learning

While everyone else was getting ready for church or work yesterday I slept until noon and woke to an empty house. I felt relieved but also kind of alone. I just can’t wait for the days where I wake up with my boyfriend next to me.

I made some tea and tried to focus on learning Scrivener again but the tutorial in the program wasn’t working out for me. I had to look online for some video tutorials. I found a couple that I really like on Skillshare.

I then tried to focus on actually building my poetry book in Scrivener. I kept jumping around from different elements that go into an ebook and ended up over whelmed again.

So now I’m going to stop; Make a list of elements that go into a published book, do those elements one by one until it’s complete. Once my manuscript is completed all I have to work on is marketing. I have a mini panic attack just thinking of all the people I have to talk to in this phase.

I often find myself wondering why I started writing in the first place. I use to say that I write because I have a story to tell. But now I say that I write to be understood. But I don’t write just for me or just about me. I’m writing for everyone else that feels misunderstood, those who feel lonely but are not alone, and those who are suffering in silence. I’m writing for all of us who are depressed but don’t know how to put it in words or explain to our friends and family.

That’s the only thing that keeps me writing. The only thing that keeps me learning how to self-publish.

Savor

the way you look up at me lying in my lap

     that smile you give when our eyes meet

     the way you grab my hand and kiss it softly

     and place it atop your head

     then you close your eyes

     that smile

     melts a little bit with each breath

     as my fingers dance in your hair

     while you savor every step

     to the rhythm of your soft breath

     your head getting heavier as

     you drift to sleep still lying in my lap

 

via Daily Prompt: Savor

Disoriented

It’s been a long time since I felt this bewildered. It feels like I’m standing in the middle of a maze and I don’t know which way is the right way out. I don’t know what to do right now. I started 3 different blog post about 3 different events that happened and I can’t complete them for some reason. I can’t get the events out my head and onto the blank page. I tried to take a class on Skillshare but I couldn’t focus on that either. I should probably stop trying so hard.

But I feel like I need to do something. Something productive. Something towards my goals. Something important. I just don’t know what. Maybe I should start making a schedule again. Or maybe I just need to take a day off. But I don’t think I deserve a day off since I’m already neglecting my blog since my family is here and even before they got here. I don’t want to blame them being here but since they came it feels like I’ve been doing something all day every day.

Maybe I just need some time alone. I think that’s exactly what I need. But I can’t. Someone is always home. And I’m so used to be here alone. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I don’t know how long I can take this.

Busy Doing Nothing

I’ve been really lazy with blogging and writing in general. Mostly because the fog has been so heavy but also because my family is here and I haven’t had much time to myself. I haven’t told them about my depression. Mostly because I know they’ll throw bible quotes at me and I don’t want to hear that right now. I’ll tell them eventually though. Just not today.

The fog lifted enough for me to stay sane. But not enough to be around my family for almost a week straight. If I had known they would be here this long I would have prepared myself. I love them. But I’m an introvert and I need a lot of alone time. They know me though so they leave me alone sometimes.

But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to hide my depression for so long.

Quill

i wanted to be real

so i picked up the quill

and swallowed the pill

 

dreams become reality

reality becomes dreams

everything it not what it seems

 

endless chatter in my head

some of them wishing i were dead

but i keep writing with the quill

 

pouring my thoughts on the page

they splash full of rage

towards myself

 

but i keep writing with the quill

stabbing myself with memories

i bleed words of regret

 

i got rain on repeat on my brain

i never stops

so i let it soak me and my thoughts

 

quill runs dry

but my story is just getting started

yet i finish the first book

 

and breath

 

via Daily Prompt: Quill