Good Morning

there’s something dramatic about
the first thing I see in the morning

looking up through the blinds
the sky filtering through an ethereal
haze of sleep wondering for a split second
when did I fall asleep last night
what was I just dreaming about
was that even a dream
it definitely was a dream

the dream fades from memory
and I realize I’m staring up at
the sky; lying on my side
through the blinds half open
head twisted almost painfully
to get a glimpse of the
the new day’s sky
with bits of green swirling
around almost like a vortex
wondering what important thing
I’m supposed to be doing and
ways to avoid doing that thing
because it’s not what I want to do

and I’m sucked into the darkness
I feel heavy with — regret?
maybe — no — a numbing anxiety

like when your extremities tingle
when they fall asleep and
you shake them trying to get the
feeling to return but for me
it doesn’t even after I stretch
and plant my feet on the ground
finally after lying here for almost
thirty minutes of pondering
the meaning of life; my life

not having an existential crisis
but just thinking about why
I woke up earlier than usual today
like I have some grand plan
to fix everything I broke

I shrug stretch and yawn out of my
pessimistic mindset to restart
the day with a hot cup of green
tea with jasmine – one of my favorites –
that I counter attacks the depression
that tries to land on my shoulders
that weighs me down every morning
it does this every morning
not today because I’m stronger now

clears throat– I said;
I’m. Stronger. Now.

I’m stronger today
I reverberate back into
the darkness that tries
again and again to land on my
shoulder and I sip my
green with jasmine tea
the go-to drink when
I need to restart my
morning so I can
get things done

I don’t have a plan to fix
everything that I broke
but I have an idea of what
I want to do to heal my
self-inflicted memories;
I thought I buried those
a long time ago;
that began to resurface
disrupting my fragile peace
of mind throwing stones
generating ripples in my
facade for what seems to be
weeks — months — years

I continue to act as though
I was never hurt by anyone
other than myself; it was
no one’s fault but my
own; I am the only one
to blame because I could have
avoided the things that hurt me

but no; I was naive and believe
in the goodness of peoples
hearts and souls but they
proved to be the monsters
that were hidden under
my bed in the shadows
just waiting for my guard
to go down and attack
my heart on my sleeve

I was foolish to believe
But I continued to be

Naive

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