Trying to explain how I feel

There are stacks of antique TVs with old 80’s and 90’s smash hits music videos playing in my head. But they’re distorted, chopped and screwed. I like it better that way. It makes me feel something. Something is better than the nothing I’ve been feeling all these years. I start reminiscing about the “good old days.” But then I realize they weren’t so good were they? They’re actually filled with endless mistakes and regrets and missed opportunities. And the songs I held so dearly now possess a different meaning. They no longer remind me of the good old days. They remind me of all the things I wish I could have said. Things I could have done instead. And I  have this overwhelming urge to go back and fix my life. But then I realize it’s all in vain. I already know how things will end. And I can’t change that. So I disassociate. And pretend that I don’t feel anything. Feeling nothing is better than feeling this.

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