Raw

At writing workshop a friend shared a poem she wrote about her rape and it triggered me. I tried, like I always do, to stay strong and hide the tears but they were too strong. My throat was raw and my heart hurt. But I couldn’t get any words out. I never could. The only thing I could say is that I felt numb and I didn’t like it and I was confused. It’s the only thing I could say. Why is that the only thing I can say?

Writing about things has always been easier than saying things. I usually write about it and “feel better” then ignore it until it pops in my head again. That’s not healthy I know. But what will saying it do? Will it help? That I’m not really sure of but I feel like I have to say it out loud. I feel like if I say it then it will be easier to get over it. I know it will be a part of me forever. But I don’t want to cry everytime someone reads a poem about rape.

Writing this collection of poems really got me sensitive to everything. I’m crying now more that I ever had in my life. I’m crying at random too. Like last night. She said it might trigger but I thought I would be ok since I’m writing about my own rape. Then I cry in fear because my boyfriend didn’t text me. And now I’m fighting tears for who knows what reason. I don’t even know.

I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. All this crying. I don’t know if it’s anxiety or if it’s old feelings resurfacing. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. I wish I could talk about it instead of write about it. Therapy seems so far away. Way too far away. Ten days is too long. I wish I could just go whenever I felt like it. I need to talk to someone. I need to figure some things out.

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