I took a class on Skillshare on how to write poetry and it was very inspiring. So much so that every time I rewatch it, a poem flows from my fingers like water. They come so naturally now I really don’t have to think that hard. I was originally going to write a collection of poetry about finding purpose in my life for my project. But what flowed out of me was poetry about my depression. How it feels and how I try to explain it.
I bought small journal specifically to plan out my book of poems with the notes I took from that Skillshare class. I think this the first time I bought a journal and started using it with a purpose from day one. That’s an achievement. I’m addicted to buying journals. I see a beautiful journal and I have to have it. Anyway, the class told me to write down 15 “small noticings” about my topic and what came out kind of surprised me:
- Some days are easier than others.
- It feels like I have weights on my limbs.
- A fog that refuses to let me appreciate the beauty of life.
- My bed is like a magnet.
- Very rarely I feel like crying but when I do it’s overwhelming and I try too hard “stay strong.”
- I’ve gotten so used to pretending I don’t know how to express my real feelings anymore.
- I may look okay when you see me but most of the time I feel empty inside.
- My smiles are often fake, my laughter is usually hollow
- I hear the same advice and I try to follow it but half the time I’m too tired and the fog wins.
- It’s a mental battle that leaves me physically exhausted.
- Motivation is hard to hold on to. It’s like a butterfly, beautiful but flutters on leaving you behind.
- Sometimes I feel like my depression isn’t valid.
- It steals my energy, my confidence, my motivation. But I will not let it take my creativity or life.
- It took a long time for me to accept myself and believe that I am beautiful and talented. I still have doubts about my talents.
- Sometimes my thoughts scare me.
I have never thought very seriously about suicide but the very thought of suicide scares me. I know I would never do it. I’m too scared but sometimes I feel like one day my thoughts will win and I won’t care anymore. That’s actually my biggest fear. My mind running away taking my sanity with it. I’ve even had quite a few nightmares about that. I can’t imagine putting my loved ones through so much stress.
And sometimes I really do feel like my depression isn’t valid. I have a roof over my head, a bed, friends, family and an amazing boyfriend. And there are starving, dying children, veterans sleeping on the streets, families breaking up. I feel so selfish at times. And I want to help everyone but I never know how. I’m so empathetic it might get me in trouble one day.
I’m just shocked at how honest I was in just 5-10 minutes. I don’t want this post to get too long. So I’m going back to learning how to self-publish.