Explaining My Depression to my Dad: The Pre-Work

So now he thinks I self-diagnosed myself. Great. I can’t believe he doesn’t remember me going to therapy. I’m sure I told him. Or maybe he thought I went just to talk about nothing. I don’t know. Or maybe I thought I told him but I really didn’t. I do that sometimes. I say things to people in my head thinking that I said it out loud.

So I wrote down how it feels for me. I will either read it to him when I feel the time is right, maybe after a couple therapy sessions. Or maybe I’ll just let him read it.

What Depression Feels Like To Me

It’s like a fog or an overcast on a beautiful day. All I want to do is lift that fog so I can enjoy it. Sometimes it lifts and I can but other times it just gets heavier and or thicker. On those days I will either keep trying to lift it but that gets exhausting. Eventually, I will get tired and just pretend that it’s not there. But even that gets exhausting. I’m not always strong enough to lift the fog by myself. I wish I have someone there to lift it for me. And if there isn’t anyone there the fog weighs me down and I end up feeling numb.

Sometimes depression feels like an overcast. Completely out of my control. Something that will come and go. I wait patiently. Numb and empty. Lethargic and apathetic. I just want to go back to sleep and hope when I wake it’ll be over. When I do sleep all day I’ll feel worse. Irritated and angry with myself for procrastinating on everything. Then I get stressed out because of the overwhelming things that I have to do. And I actually want to panic because I just want to feel something that would kick myself into high gear. But half the time nothing happens. I try to distract myself by doing something that might give me joy. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn’t. It really depends on the amount of support I get.

That’s all I have for now. I don’t want this post to get too long and I have some chores I need to do. Also, I forgot to eat. And I’m starving. I’ll continue this later today. Or tomorrow.


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