Loop

see me struggle
to get out of bed
see the chains
weighing me down
hear the thoughts in my head
wishing I were dead
see my sanity hang by a thread
making it feel like I’m dying
see the clouds in my dreams
foretelling the gloom I feel
see my fake smile I give
so you don’t have to worry about me
hear my empty laugh
to convince you I’m alright
see how tired I am
to pretend all the time
hear me try to explain
why I’m not okay
just listen
don’t nag
that only makes me feel worse
don’t make me loop back
giving you the same fake smile
giving you the same fake laugh
because you didn’t understand
and I fear you’ll never understand
see the struggle
see the chains
hear the thoughts
see my sanity hang by a thread
see the clouds in my dreams
see my fake smile
hear my empty laugh
see how tired I am
let me try to explain
don’t belittle
don’t insult
don’t treat me like a
spoiled lazy child
just try to understand
how I feel inside
give me time and space
to come around
and when I do
don’t assume the fight is over
it just means I won today
but I can’t say for tomorrow
this strength doesn’t last forever
this loop is inevitable
I’m bound to feel it again
there’s not much I or you
can do about it
just understand
just let me try to explain
just give me time and space
to come around
see the struggle and understand it
see the chains and try to lift them
hear the thoughts and shield me
help me come around
don’t hate me when I’m down
understand the loop

via Daily Prompt: Loop

The Fog Won Today

I finally got up at 1:30 pm to use the bathroom and eat. I even made some tea and cleaned up a little bit. But I still feel heavy. Still tired. I want to go back to sleep. I wanted to get up and do some yoga but The Fog stole my energy. It feels like I have weights on my limbs. It hurts to get up and do things. My knees wobble and my hand’s tremble. My heart beats harder and it feels like I’m dying. My head hurts when I stand too fast.

I’m just a fucking mess today. I want to go out and enjoy the beautiful day but sun hurts my eyes. I’m not sure if I will have the energy to go to writing workshop tonight. Especially after my mom asked me to clean the bathroom which I’m probably not going to do. I don’t even have the energy to work on my poetry or my novel today. But I know if I don’t I’ll regret not doing anything productive. And I know if I don’t clean up my mom would get upset and start yelling about how lazy I am.

I wish she could see the shackles on my limbs wearing me down. I wish she could feel how heavy they are. I wish she could see the fog clouding my vision. But then again I don’t want to wish this on her. Or anyone. While It would be nice if they understood what it felt like I would want anyone to experience depression. It’s a nightmare. And it never ends. Even when I’m feeling good or when something good happens to me I can’t help but wonder how long this good feeling will last.

I don’t know what to do.

I took me 3 hours to write this. 3 hours. And I don’t think I said everything I wanted to say. But I’m too tired to continue.

It wasn’t the Monsters

listen to me

as i tell thee

a story

of how

it came to be

the monsters

in my head

weren’t always there see?

they were planted

and grown

in the garden

i sowed

and i blame myself

for the mess im in

and i blame myself

not the monsters that infest

its my fault 

my head is such a mess

 

What am I doing?

It’s the middle of the week and what have I done? It feels like I haven’t been doing anything. But I know that’s not true. I started working on my first novel and I’m still writing poetry for my collection. I’m reading about writing fantasy and reading fantasy for ideas. So I’m definitely doing things. But why do I feel so unaccomplished? It’s probably because it feels like I haven’t been doing anything at all. Maybe I should write down all the things I have done then count them at the end of the day. I think that will help me feel more accomplished.

I feel like I’ve been sleeping way too much. And it doesn’t help that my doctor told me to stop drinking so much caffeine. But I understand. Drinking too much caffeine messes with your sleep/wake cycle. But I don’t know what else to do in the morning to help me wake up. I take showers but that really only make me want to go back to sleep. I haven’t tried taking a cold shower because I love hot showers way too much. And I don’t want to get sick.

My mom has also been waking me up reminding me of all the things I still haven’t done. So that’s also making me feel unaccomplished. I know that’s not her intention. I know she’s just trying to help but I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want her to keep reminding me of everything I’ve yet to do. It just reminds me that I haven’t done anything important. But I don’t want to sound rude. Every time I try to tell her something she thinks I have an attitude or something and that’s just not it. I’m actually trying to get her to see my perspective.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Writing a Gothic Fantasy

I have been thinking long and hard about the first novel I want to write. And I have come to the conclusion that I should write the first story I dreamed about In high school and publish it first. I’m still going to write the poetry collection and I’m halfway done with that. I’ve learned that the best thing a writer should do is write as many books as possible when first starting out. Thankfully for me, I have a lot of story ideas. Five to be exact. And I’m sure I will have more to come.

I was originally going to write and publish a time travel novel but a gothic fantasy seems more fun to write. There doesn’t seem to be any diversity in the gothic novel scene at least from what I’ve read in the past. I want to change that. I want to have my main character be an African American gothic lolita who’s in a one-sided “love triangle” between another African American goth girl and a goth guy. I don’t know what ethnicity I want to make the guy but he’s definitely not going to be white. Hell, he might not even be cis.

I already know who my main character is. Her name is Ivy Song. She’s an introverted bookworm who loves to collect relics and is ambitious when pursuing her career and academic goals. She reads poetry, mysteries and fantasy novels first thing in the morning and right before bed. Due to her studies to become an Apothecary she has a huge garden filled with herbs, fruits, and flowers she tends to every day. Her house is scattered with books on spells, potions and other magical things but she keeps the most dangerous books locked up in a hidden room.

She is very stubborn and headstrong. She doesn’t like being told what to do with her life and definitely does not want to be the damsel in distress. However, she does get herself in sticky situations because she is somewhat naive to how people really are. Therefore, she usually finds herself getting saved which she hates because she know she is more than capable of handling the situation herself. People often underestimate how powerful she is because of the way she looks. Her main goal in life is to own her very own magical shop where she hand makes every product herself.

I have an idea for the world she lives in. It’s going to be an alternate earth where people have very close relationships with their Gods and Goddesses so that they are granted magical powers. For years people have been using their powers for good since they are given to them from a divine source. There are few people who use their magic for evil but when they do it’s usually because of the Goddess of Chaos interfering and tainting the power from the other God’s and Goddesses.

I don’t know how many Deities there are or what kind of magic they govern but I know I want to base them off some African Deities. I definitely want elemental magic but I’m not sure if I want one Deity to control all the elemental magic or if I should have multiple Deities that control one element but work together to keep everything balanced.

Well anyway, that’s all I came up with. Well, that’s not everything but I don’t want to spoil too much. I’m going to work on it some more tonight and post an update maybe tomorrow or Thursday. I can’t wait to share this story with the world!

Sleep feels amazing

Waking up for the 4th time today. I set an alarm after posting earlier to sleep for another hour. Then I woke up and wanted more sleep so I set another alarm for 2 more hours. But then sleep felt so good so I didn’t set another alarm. Went back to sleep until my boyfriend called me. He was worried because I didn’t text him back. I’m glad he woke me up. But I wish he was here. He usually gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off but he’s covering for someone today. I hope we still get to have our date night tomorrow.

I finally went to therapy yesterday. It helped a lot. Just being there and setting a schedule to keep coming in gives me hope. I’m going to join a group therapy every week to help manage my depression without medication. Then I’ll come back to see her the 19th of July. We talked about my rape but only for a little bit. I couldn’t do it so soon. But she wants me to think about what I want to get out of talking about it. That’s something I thought I would never have to think about.

That’s something I thought I would never have to think about. That’s a question I didn’t even know exist. I thought everyone went to therapy to talk about trauma so they can stop the nightmares and go back to their normal life. But perhaps there is another reason I want to talk about my rape? Like some kind of closure? Maybe I want to know why he did it?

I don’t really know. But that’s why I’m going to think about it. I have a whole month to figure it out.

What’s happening to me?

In a burst of frustration and rage, I threw a stool. My mom woke me up and I was just falling asleep. She doesn’t understand that I haven’t been sleeping well because of my anxiety flairs at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I wanted to tell her that but she was moving too fast and reminding me of all the shit I have to do. Like I don’t know. Like I wasn’t up all night worrying about all that shit. I probably shouldn’t think too much about why I threw it. I can’t help but realize that it’s out of character for me. I’m always frustrated when someone wakes me up. But I’ve never been this angry before.

It reminds me of those times when I was in high school. I would bring home a bad report card and they would scold me. I would get so angry and frustrated because they don’t know and I didn’t know how to tell them just how stressful school was for me. I would start backing away but they kept pressing me they kept yelling at me. I remember one time, in particular, I got so frustrated I almost broke. My parents backed me into a corner, literally and figuratively, and I started screaming and pulling my hair out. I couldn’t control myself I was so scared. I don’t remember how my parents reacted or what happened after that.

My worst fear is to have a psychotic breakdown and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life in an institute. I’ve always been scared of losing control and I feel like I’m losing control. I don’t know what to do.

Lost

to lose a friend so soon

and on such a beautiful day

like the weather mocks our gloom

since we didnt get a say

i scream how unfair it is to the moon

that she was taken away

from a lonely hospital room

 

cant think straight

i havent grieved in so long

i dont know what to do

or what to say

i dont even know who to say it to

can’t sleep

dont want to see her in me dreams

i can still hear her laugh

and see her smile

she had a lively laugh

like thats all she wanted to do

was to laugh with friends

Still In Shock

I learned yesterday that one of the women in our writing group died after surgery. It was such a small simple surgery but she got an infection. And infections from hospitals are a hell of a lot more dangerous since they use antibacterial everything. We weren’t expecting her to pass so suddenly and I’m grateful my friend got the information about her death. I would rather know what happened to her than to wonder forever if she’s well or not. Since we’re not family and we don’t know her family we would have never known.

I was honestly not expecting to cry. And definitely didn’t expect to cry multiple times. I didn’t really know her that well. But I can’t stop seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. She had an interesting laugh. She laughed like that’s all she wanted to do. Laugh with friends. We got in contact with her family and they will have a service for her and were invited to come honor her. I haven’t been to a funeral in so long I don’t even know what to do there. Especially not at a friends funeral. I don’t even have funeral clothes.

I’m worried that I might not deserve to be there. I didn’t know her that well and yet I’m crying and I miss her. I’m so not used to this. But then who is? Losing a friend so suddenly. I was going to be with my dad for fathers day but then I got the news. Thankfully he understood I needed to be with my friends. But I still feel guilty. But spending time with them was good. We got to share memories of her and talk about honoring her life. After the service we might go to a beach drink a coke, it was her favorite, and read the writing she shared with us.

I’ve been wishing for a vacation. I’ve been wishing to go to the beach again. But I didn’t want to go like this. I guess I should be careful about what I wish for.